The Eternal Guest Room

Infertility kinda sucks.

pre-op day

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I’m about to leave to go to my support group, and I’m really glad it’s tonight because I don’t know if I’d make it through this evening otherwise.

I’m feeling very down and admittedly fairly whiny about having surgery tomorrow. I just did this, and it didn’t work. I can’t believe I have to go through it again.

Meanwhile everyone else keeps getting pregnant and popping out babies like it’s the simplest thing in the world. It isn’t fair. Everyone else just goes about their normal business, then happily pees on a stick a few weeks later and goes “oh my god I can’t believe it happened so fast!”

Why do I have to watch them all for so many heartbreaking years while going through surgery and procedures that may or may not work?

I’m a big believer in NEVER saying “Well, things can’t get any worse,” because I know that things can always get worse. I know there are worse things in the world. But that doesn’t make this easy to deal with.

Especially on days like today.

I went to both the RE’s office and hospital today to do my pre-op stuff. I had to go alone because D is already taking time off work tomorrow and Friday, so an extra afternoon off wasn’t very realistic. But it was depressing being there alone. While I was at the RE’s office, a family (?) came in – 2 men, 2 women, and 2 small children. I think the couple with the children was there with a couple going through IF, but I couldn’t say for sure. I was so annoyed to have to watch and listen to little kids running around the office when I was feeling so down. Then, when I was waiting at the hospital, I watched a brand new mom being brought out to her car, with her husband carrying their brand new baby. She didn’t look very happy. I felt so hopeless. And then I went to Target to pick up my pain killers for tomorrow, and saw 5 very pregnant ladies, in addition to all the moms with little kids in their carts.

I’ve been having a really crappy week, well, more like a really crappy month. I don’t know why January and February always have to be such terrible months for me. But I’m so tired of things going so badly.

We did finally find good pizza in dallas, and D took me out on valentine’s day and we had a great night despite it being a really hard day. So that’s one good thing. And I have my support group tonight. That’s another good thing.

I’m going to eat as much bread as I can get down, because I can’t eat or drink anything after midnight tonight, until I wake up from surgery around 3:30pm tomorrow. Those bread baskets will never know what hit them.

5 Responses

Good luck tomorrow!

I don’t know what it is with the pregnant bellies and little kids- I used to think the universrse had them all lined up offstage for me so it could trot them out when I was already down. And now, 3 years past what turned out to be my last pregnancy, it still causes a twinge. But no longer the kick in the gut. I guess the scar tissue has finally formed.

Mmmm, bread. That is definitely the #1 thing I miss. The bread less PCOS diet is cruel that way. Eat a big, buttery slice for me.

  • good luck tomorrow!!!!!
    Every time I have been to the hospital, retrievals, lap, d&E, a new mom and baby are getting wheeled out. They must deliver a lot of babies in there or I have the worst timing ever!!!
    hang in there, I will be sending lots of good thoughts your way…..

  • thinking of you today. hoping everything goes well. <3 you.

  • I love you. I love you. I love you. Can you feel it?

  • I hope once they evict that damn polyp it will stay away for good and you will get knocked up SUPER soon. I’m so rooting for you girl. I’m sorry this whole month has been hard on you, and especially yesterday with all the bump and kid spottings! I wish there weren’t days where it seems like the fertile world is just rubbing our faces in it. Let me know if you need anything! I hope your surgery went well! Hugs! Love ya!

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