The Eternal Guest Room

Infertility kinda sucks.

and the world turned

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I write this post with hesitation. it’s a post I’ve attempted to write several times, but I never could quite phrase it the right way. I probably still can’t, but I think it’s time to give it a shot.

It’s a post about faith.

I feel like I should start from the beginning: I grew up with a church background. My dad has been a minister for the majority of my life. I went to church at least 3 times a week for most of my life. I believed. I had faith. I knew what I knew. I had no doubts. I went to church after I went to college; it was important, it was a part of me, it was something I believed in.

But then I became “an infertile”, and I began to doubt.

My faith has been shaken to the core.

My journey with infertility has, admittedly, coincided with an awakening, of sorts. I saw religious people that did not practice what they preached. I took an interest in politics, and the teachings in the bible often didn’t mesh with the politics of people in the church. I began to question everything.

But mostly I questioned what I had always been taught: that God is in control, that things will work out the way they should, that you need to have faith to get what you want, that everything happens for a reason.

I don’t believe that it does.

I want so badly to believe that what should be, should be. That what is meant to be, will be. That everything happens for a reason.

But I don’t believe it. Not at all.

And I don’t know that this is a belief that even coincides with religion, or with God, or with what have you – but for most people, they go hand in hand, so it’s hard to separate the two.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told people what we’re going through, only to get a response along the lines of “Well, when it’s supposed to happen, it will happen” or “things will work out the way they’re supposed to.”

Really?

I have issues with these lines of reasoning. If things happen for a reason, why are people given children when they abort them or leave them in a dumpster? Did God give these people pregnancies with the knowledge that the result would be a dead baby? Yet I can’t get pregnant? Me, who has been planning for years and who is fully prepared, it’s not the right time to give me a baby? But all those horrible, neglectful people are given babies? On purpose? For a reason?

I don’t buy it.

I believe that some things happen for a reason. Absolutely. But I also believe in Free Will. And I believe in Chance, or Coincidence, or whatever you want to call it.

As for my Faith – as I said before, it’s been shaken to the core. This is one of those things that makes you question everything. Everything.

There are some big life events that make you question your faith/spirituality/religion/whatever you want to call it, and infertility is one of them. Some peoples’ faith grows, and some peoples’ disappears. In all honesty, I don’t know yet where I fall on the spectrum.

But I know that right now I question everything. And I don’t know how I’m going to come out on the other end of this.

I know that I question, and that I doubt, and that I think very deeply and seriously about the whole thing. In the beginning, I prayed. We both did. But now we don’t. The closest I ever come to a prayer these days is when I’m in bed at night, lying in the dark, and my prayer is a pleading whisper: “Are you there?”

And right now, that’s all I have.

10 Responses

That post gave me chills. And a couple of tears in my eye. I could have written most of that. My turning point was pre-infertility, but it was nevertheless quite similar.

It has been several years for me, and I am still questioning and doubting. Much of my problem is with the questions that don’t have clear answers. Or, the answers I have heard all my life are suddenly weak and/or circular.

I think there are a lot of people our age out there who feel like this. And it’s not something that’s “ok” to talk about. So we feel very alone.

I guess I just want to tell you, you are not alone. I too have prayed many “are you there” prayers toward the dark ceiling.

  • I think it’s almost impossible not to feel this way when you’re faced with IF. How can you not question whether there’s a grand plan when nothing makes sense? There is absolutely no satisfactory explanation for why some people face so much misfortune while others are so undeservingly blessed.

    I have to commend you on continuing to examine. It makes me feel so insecure to think about these things. Instead, I try to take the easy way out, doing my best to go through the motions and not think too deeply about anything.

  • I think anyone that’s experienced prolonged heartbreak over something completely out of their control has questioned their faith. It’s natural; it’s human. I haven’t been to church or said a really good prayer in a long time either, but I know that doesn’t make us any less worthy. I firmly believe that for the majority of us, faith is ebb and flow. If I got pregnant tomorrow you can bet I’d be in the front row in church on Sunday thanking God during the entire service.
    But in the meantime I will struggle with the Why’s and Where’s – where is He? But that doesn’t make me a bad person. So I think it’s important to let go of that guilt for not being a good Christian right now. We just do the best we can, be the best people we can be, treat people right, and sometimes that’s enough because that’s just all we have. And no one knows us better than He does.

  • Stacie, I am going to attempt to respond to this but know from the very beginning that it won’t be very coherent because I don’t even know where I stand with all of this. I understand the struggle completely and I don’t know if there are any real answers to these kind of questions. I don’t think that God decides you can have a baby and you can’t and I don’t think that he allows some children to die and he saves others…I don’t even feel comfortable calling God “he” or “she”….see, I am so conflicted myself about God. I don’t question whether God exists….I just don’t know the form or how he is involved in our lives. I only know that I feel God’s presence all the time. I don’t think that he manipulates things around me but does walk with me. I know, I know….I am rambling but all of this to say…what you are thinking is so similar to what so many others are thinking about….even me.
    love you.

  • Thank you for this great post! And OMG what wonderful comments. As I read them all I was thinking Holy Crap, I’m not alone. All my life I have felt alone in my beliefs especially being here in Texas and growing up with a grandfather who was a Church of Christ preacher and then a Dad who practically was. I believe there is a higher power of some sort that is maybe some sort of energy or life force that connects us all, but do I believe there is something up there playing the man behind the curtain and running my life. NOPE! I hope and pray that you and I get to leave the shit luck section VERY soon! Hugs!

  • I’ve been wondering where you guys stood on this for a long time. Thanks for posting. These are things I question also, and I’m not going through what you are. I’m sorry I have nothing encouraging to tell you. I just don’t know. I will say, I’m glad to know you guys, and I’m happy you guys came to my show.

  • If there is one thing I have learned through infertility it is that I can not put God in a box.
    I used to put him in the box that said he will give me ‘what I deserve’, but really I don’t deserve anything. I used to put him in the box where he would never plan to give people children who would abort them, especially over me and TTC’s, then I found people who came to know him because of the pain of abortion.
    There are days I HATE that some of my perceptions of ‘right’ are not God’s, but I’m not omniscient, omnipotent or without flaw. But I don’t think God expects me to understand or like what hurts or seems injust (as a result of him or not), just expects that I am honest with him about that hurt and look to him to heal it.
    With prayer and petition comes his peace that passes understanding…..this verse has become a mantra for me and God is faithful in keeping this promise for me, I hope you find his promises for you as well!

  • Thank you so much for this post! These are the exact same questions that I have been asking and then feel guilty for asking. I don’t know how I am supposed to believe that God is good when idiots get pregnant and then throw their baby in the trash while I cry myself to sleep every night because I can’t have a baby. It would make sense that a “good God” would have put that baby in my womb instead of the womb of a woman that was going to abuse, neglect, or kill her baby. Then, that baby would have been rocked to sleep and loved by a mommy and daddy that would go to the ends of the world for him or her. But instead that little baby suffered. You are so right. How in the world does that make any kind of sense at all? And everyone says that “When you look back…” you’ll know. Well, get us out of this mess and then, yes, I will look back. But right now I can’t look back at it because I am still in it! Ugh!!

  • One of the hardest things to reconcile with faith and believe in God is that all prayers will be answered the way we want them to be answered on our timeframe. It is hard to accept that faith doesn’t work that way. Our purpose in life is to glorify God. Your story and your willingness to share with everyone in some way is working to glorify Him. You are a comfort and an inspiration to so many people. I hope that you will search for the faith that you once had and know that God has a plan in mind for you. He loved you so much that he sacrificed His son for you and all mankind. He won’t forget you, but you can’t forget him.

  • I love this post Stacie. I know we had similar church upbringings, best I can figure is that there isn’t reason behind everything. Why would Jesus say to take care of the widows and orphans and then have 3/4’s of the world dying in mass poverty and violence? It doesn’t make sense. What makes sense to me, is that when the world fell, it fell. In came poverty, violence and disease. I do believe that God gives a way for for positive to come of every negative. I believe that He is holding your hand and crying with you as you walk this journey. I believe He will never leave you.
    I wish I could make this better or easier for you, I am sorry.

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