I haven’t been posting much for awhile. Partly because I’m super busy these days, so it’s hard to find the time. But I’ve also had a hard time knowing what to say. I feel so stagnant. Saying the same things over and over. Having the same surgeries with the same outcome. Watching other people go through treatments while I sit and wait for the time to pass.
I thought I’d be going through IVF with a few people, but instead I watched them go through it. Some of them had success and others, sadly, didn’t. But I had hoped to be on the other side of it, not just continuing to wait and wonder. I even feel left behind by other “Infertiles” sometimes.
It’s kind of a hard time of year for me in general. It seems like everyone has babies in the Spring. The other day I saw the babies across the street sitting in their yard and remembered that it was last March that I saw the yard signs out announcing their arrival. Next week my niece turns three. She’s like a real person now – not just a little baby laying or crawling around, but an actual person who walks and talks and feeds herself. She even has a little sister now. It’s hard to watch other peoples’ kids turn another year older.
And the worst thing: the other day, one of my friends from my support group went in for her 10 week ultrasound and found that the baby had died. She had initially been pregnant with twins, but one stopped growing early on, and now the other has followed. My heart breaks for her. I can’t even imagine that pain and grief. Especially on top of IVF. It isn’t fair. No one should have to go through both; one is bad enough. Some days I feel like shaking my fists at the Universe, screaming at the top of my lungs that life is cruel and so unfair and how can things go so wrong?
It’s hard to know what to say about all these things; some days I feel like I want to say something, but I don’t know how or what. So the days just keep going by.
Please keep my friend in your thoughts and, if you have them, your prayers. She shouldn’t be going through this. I don’t know how much good thoughts or prayers really do, but I suppose it can’t hurt, and she could use all of them that she can get.
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It’s the age old question, why do bad things happen to good people? I’ll never understand. I just can’t even go there because it doesn’t help to try and make rhyme or reason of it. It’s especially hard when it involves someone you care about. The only thing that helps is to try and appreciate what I have and remember the good things about life. There are plenty of days though where that just doesn’t work and the sadness and anger rule. There are good days and bad. One is always followed by another. That’s what keeps the world turning.