The desperation creeps in. Slowly at first, gradually building, finally all-encompassing. You want a baby so bad you’re willing to try anything to get one. Anything.
First it’s harmless – silly stuff, really. The things everyone knows, everyone tells you, if you let them. Legs up after sex. Just relax – take a vacation, don’t even try for a month, just stop thinking about it. Get really drunk. Check, check, check.
Then it gets a little weirder, you search a little harder, spend a little money. Pineapple cores. Mucinex. Green tea. Red raspberry leaf. Special fertility vitamins. Baby aspirin. Grapefruit juice. Evening primrose oil. Maca. Etc., etc., etc.
Pick your cocktail. Someone tried this and someone else tried that, so you try them both, along with the rest. All of this possibly on top of fertility treatments and shots and pills.
And nothing happens. So you move on to the next phase: acupuncture, herbs, fertility spells, maybe even a chiropractor. The bills start piling up. But you can’t stop: this next thing might be THE thing.
You hear it and think it and say it over and over again: “I’ll try anything, anything at all,” because you’re desperate enough and you know it.
But you keep going, giving into the desperation, because this might be your magic bean, your golden ticket, your key to the whole screwy mess.
And then it isn’t.
So you try something else.
The desperation is consuming. It clings to you like you cling to it. It’s cruel; it gives false hope. It keeps you coming back for more. “Sure,” you say, “I’ll try that. After all, it won’t hurt anything.”
Just your bank account, and your spirit when it fails. It surely looks irrational and ridiculous from the outside. People will think I’m silly and wonder why I bother – many will wonder why we don’t “just” do IVF.
I had a warm spinach salad and a glass of warm water for dinner. Not because I wanted them, but because it might make some sort of difference.
I am desperate. I’ll try anything. Anything at all. I can’t even begin to explain it.
*Disclaimer: I haven’t actually tried all the things listed above – just most of them.
IComLeavWe: Join the Conversation
well said. methods and choices for how one goes about pursuing what they want seem to me to be a very personal thing. i don’t think you’re silly. diligent, creative, persistent, loving, brave, wise, determined, hopeful-at-times, patient — patient ’cause you don’t have a choice – but not silly. I’ve admired you for exploring new approaches, tastes, rituals. And for the observations you make along the way.
Love you always,
Dad
Stacie, your dad is so right…you are all those things and we all admire you for your persistence and your observations of yourself and others. You teach us about ourselves and make us pay more attention to our interactions with others. You are incredibly cherished and intensely loved by me and so many others. We are still walking with you. love you.
Oh, you are certainly not alone in the insanity. The desperation makes us crazy, but at least we have our group that ‘gets’ our craziness. I am so lucky to have you and the other ladies in Resolve because knowing that I am not the only one who thinks/tries these things makes me feel somewhat ‘normal.’ Well, maybe not normal, but at least not alone! Always know that our efforts, no matter how strange they might be, will eventually work out and be a testament for how much we love our children.
I have just spent a long time reading through your blog…I will be back again to read more. I can relate to so many of the feelings you have shared. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you can find some strength from simply knowing you are not alone. Blessing to you x
I’m so sorry. I know that feeling of despair. There is no “just” in infertility, but apparently this is quite hard for many who haven’t been down this road to understand. Thinking of you.