Last night I did something I haven’t done in a really long time – I came across pictures of a baby in my blog feed and burst into tears.
I feel like this longing will never go away, along with the pain. It seems like no matter how good I’m doing, I stlil have those moments.
Lately I have felt like I’ve constantly been on the verge of tears. I think I’m finally starting to admit that there is a very strong chance we will never have our own kids. I’ve always said it and always known it, but in the back of my mind somewhere I truly believed I’d eventually get pregnant.
Now I look around our house and think “this may be it.” There may never be children there; or at least not until we move out of it. I sit at our quiet dinner table and think “this may be what the rest of our dinners are like.” There may never be kids to laugh and talk with at the dinner table. I look at every aspect of my life and think “this may be all you have to work with.” There may never be anyone else.
I’m so tired. And that may be it; it may just be my overly tired, totally stressed out body and mind telling me these things. And I know IVF is coming up, but the first IVF doesn’t always work, and I don’t see how we could afford a second. The odds are against us. I know this.
I feel bad that I haven’t written or posted anything about National Infertility Awareness Week. I meant to, but I haven’t had a moment this week to get it together. I did post something about it as a facebook status; I got a lot of “likes” but zero comments. One person reposted it. I honestly wasn’t expecting more, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I do kind of wish it had done more. Maybe it got lost in peoples’ feeds with all the pictures of everyone else’s babies and kids.
I don’t know where I’m going with any of this – just trying to get some things off my chest, I guess. I think I’m too tired to think straight right now. I guess I just wish my life was different than it is now. And it’s hard that what I want is so far out of my control.
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Thinking of you. Infertility sucks.
I think that no matter what the future holds for a couple who have walked the road of infertility, there will always be a heavy grief for the loss of simplicity. This ‘should’ be so easy. This should be a joyful and exciting time, instead we have fear and injections doctors and tears as we wait and see what will happen. Thinking of you today x
I think this all the time. I look around myself and wonder if this is it and if so, is that ok with me. it is such a hard dream to give up on yet the thought of more treatment is no better to me. I want you to know that you are not alone. I feel every once of this too.
senindg lots oif love to you…
Love you
It’s the worst knowing this is out of our control. Because our whole lives we’re taught to believe pregnancy is totally controllable. They don’t call it birth out of control pills. Now we’re left out- outsiders looking in. It’s so lonely here.
Stacie, I don’t want this to be all there is for you….with all my heart I don’t want that. I want to experience it all with Darek…you two will be great parents….loving and careful and fun. Remember every day you are thought of at our house….we feel so incredibly protective of you and Darek….we wish with all that we are that life changes for you. love you. love you. love you.
I left out a word…I want you to experience it all with Darek….
I wish it didn’t have to be this way for any of us! ((hugs)) Infertility blows!!!
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