The Eternal Guest Room

If I had to pick one word that most describes my feelings about this IVF cycle, I think the word would be “terrified.”

It was so easy to look forward to this and think it would work. But now that I’m in the middle of it, the “what-if-it-doesn’t-work” panic has set in.

I think part of the problem is that after 4 years and 8 months, it’s basically impossible to believe that I could actually be pregnant the next month. It just doesn’t seem like a realistic possibility at this point.

Obviously we wouldn’t be going through this if we didn’t think it would work, but believing it will work is something else entirely.

I worry that thinking this way will actually make it not work. I know I should be thinking positively. I’m afraid that I’ll bring failure upon myself. I don’t know if I really believe that that’s how it works, but I worry that it will play a part.

I look past December and all I see is uncertainty. A huge cloud over everything; like a fog, like a dream, where nothing is clear and you have no idea what’s coming. I hate that all our hopes are placed on this one thing. I hate that this is our only shot for the foreseeable future.

I’m glad we even have this chance; I know that a lot of people don’t. But it’s harder than I thought it would be.

I’m super anxious for my monitoring appointment on Tuesday morning. That’s when they start looking at my follicles to see how fast and how big they’re growing. I’m ready to get to the next point; maybe when things start happening I’ll feel better about everything.

For now I’m mainly just scared.