The Eternal Guest Room

I’m going to continue posting on this blog, but I don’t want to post straight-up pregnancy updates here. So we’re moving those to our other blog, which we created awhile ago in hopes that it would eventually lead to that. Be warned that it’s very picture-heavy.

If you want to follow us there, the address is “d and s dot com” – but with our names instead of initials (and no spaces, and no quotation marks of course). And remember that D’s name is spelled uniquely and my name with an IE at the end. If that doesn’t help, you can find our names in the comments pretty frequently, or you can email me at eternalguestroom@gmail.com and I’ll be glad to share. I don’t want to post it here outright because of the same reason we stopped using our full names – work/client reasons.

I’m definitely not leaving this blog; I still have more to say. But I want to post pregnancy news elsewhere, so that’s where it will be for anyone who wants to see it.

We didn’t quite hit five years, but we came close to it.

It wasn’t easy – in fact it felt like it was going to just about kill me at times – but we’re finally moving forward.

Our 12 week appointment this afternoon showed two healthy, active babies. They moved their limbs and flipped themselves around. One of the babies kicked the other one in the head (totally safe, the sonographer said). The sonogram lasted 45 minutes and I don’t think I stopped smiling the entire time.

While the infertile feeling remains, I feel like I can start to move ahead. We passed the scary first trimester. Things are looking good.

We have a long way to go still, but I’m enjoying every moment.

Things are good.

I’ve had a few people ask me when I’m going to post again. My answer has been “I don’t know; I guess when I have something to say.”

The truth is, I’m not really sure what to say here. I feel like I’m in a weird sort of “in between” place at the moment. I’m where I want to be – pregnant – but I haven’t really left the other side yet. I’m afraid to post anything here that can be read as negative or complaining because I feel like people are likely to think that I should just shut up and be happy to be here. And I really, truly, incredibly am – but it’s not always easy all the time.

I’m really happy. Excited. Thrilled. But the fear hasn’t left and the infertile feeling lingers.

Several weeks ago I got to attend my first “pregnant after infertility” support group meeting. And after looking forward to it for such a long time, I hated it. I felt like everyone had already moved on; meanwhile, the reality of the struggle and the pain was still so fresh and raw for me. I actually thought I was going to cry. And I felt so guilty for feeling that way – I should be 100% happy.

But I’ve been infertile for a lot longer than I’ve been pregnant, and it’s not like a switch just flips and I can forget the last 5 years. They’re such a part of me and they always will be. I’ll never forget what it took me to get here.

So for now I’m kind of in between. I don’t feel confident enough to consider myself part of the pregnant group yet. I’ve left the infertile group physically, but not totally mentally, and definitely not emotionally all the way. I don’t know what I want to do with this blog yet. I don’t want it to become just a pregnancy blog (though I have no problem with others doing that; it’s just not for me) but I don’t want to abandon it, either.

Right now I guess it’s just kind of waiting, like I am.

My next appointment is Monday. We’re meeting with the perinatologist (high-risk doctor). The last 3+ weeks have been the longest of my life; I know I say that every time, but each wait feels longer. I’m so anxious to get there and make sure everything is ok. I think it’ll be easier to breathe after that.

And for those of you that want updates – I’m 12 weeks today. I still can’t believe it. Hopefully Monday will make it easier.