This thing is cruel.
Calling it “infertility” seems almost hollow. There’s so much more involved.
I sometimes feel I’m walking a thin line between trying to help people understand, trying to express my feelings, and not getting more personal than I want to be. I don’t know how much of myself to put out there sometimes.
Some days I feel OK, I truly do. Some days I’m hopeful and excited and “just know” that it’s right around the corner, whether that corner might be 2 months or 6. (Never just one month though, because that’s just way to much to hope for.) I don’t want other people to tell me it will happen, because it hurts and doesn’t help, but I have to tell myself that it will.
And then other days…
Oh, the other days. Those are the days that feel like they’ll never end. It’s hard to think of anything else. And everything else seems more monumental than it should be.
On these days I feel like we’ll never emerge from this. Even if/when we do, it won’t be unscathed. This will always be with us. I envy those who have no idea what this is like. I realize more and more that it will always be there. If it had just been a year, or a year and half maybe, I think it would be easier to bounce back. But this has forever changed who I am and how I view the world. I will never be the same.
And maybe there’s some good in that. That’s what keeps me going. Because I know that at the end of this, when we have a child, we will appreciate them so much more than we ever could have without this struggle. Sometimes I see other people and know that they have no idea what blessings have been bestowed upon them. They have no idea how lucky they are. We will always know how much we wanted this child, and we will know how much it cost us.
It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard to get through the day.
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I’m sorry. Love ya…
Just always know I will always be there for you.
“Sometimes, Soraya sleeping next to me, I lay in bed and listened to the screen door swinging open and shut with the breeze, to the crickets chirping in the yard. And I could almost feel the emptiness in Soraya’s womb, like it was a living, breathing thing. It had seeped into our marriage, that emptiness, into our laughs, and our lovemaking. And late at night, in the darkness of our room, I’d feel it rising from Soraya and settling between us. Sleeping between us. Like a newborn child.”
This quote is from The Kite Runner and I thought it was so fitting with what you are going through. This is deep pain. I am still with you.
Please know that Bruce and I love you both very much and pray often for God’s peace to come to you and Darek. You are both so honest and open with your feelings. You are a blessing to those who are facing the same emotions.