The Eternal Guest Room

We often feel stuck. It’s really hard to make plans or set goals. Even though we’ve been through a lot, it feels like we’re right where we started. I thought that these last 3 years would be full of change, but the truth is that almost nothing has changed.

It’s hard to make plans for the future; we don’t really know how to plan. Things get pushed back, first in months and then in years. We play around with the idea of moving, but when we thought we really had a chance at having kids last year Darek found a new job in Plano, instead of trying to move to another state.

We bought our 3 bedroom house partly because we thought there’d be a kid or two to use the 3rd room. We haven’t really decorated or finished it as a guest room, because we keep hoping that it might be getting changed into a nursery. So it just collects junk and boxes and random stuff, and when people visit us we rearrange and move all the boxes so it’s habitable for them.

All around me, people are moving forward. Getting new jobs, starting families, adding to families, moving to new places. And I’m in the same place I was 3 years ago, and not by choice. I feel utterly and completely stuck. Darek has fortunately found a new and much better job, so at least there’s that, but as for me…

I’ve worked at the library for 6 years; I never intended to be there more than three. As for the photo business, I only have 3 weddings booked for the whole year. That seems to be stuck, too. I consider moving more into children’s portraits because I really enjoy them, but it’s hard to really put my heart into that. I can hardly think about maternity pictures.

So I’m just here, stuck, and not really sure what to do. It’s paralyzing. We’re so, so ready to move forward. This is getting so old.