The Eternal Guest Room

This might sound really silly to a lot of you – or even just plain horrible. I debated about posting about this, because I know it doesn’t make me look like a good, mature, rational individual, but I’m going to share anyway.

I had a goal. My goal was to be pregnant by my sister’s wedding. My youngest sister (I have 3) is getting married June 12. The thought of going to a major event like that – and a huge gathering of family and friends – while still going through this fills me with dread. My middle sister got married 3 years ago and I had planned to be pregnant by then. And that was 3. Long. Years. Ago.

This has taken over my life. It’s almost all I think about. I don’t feel happy. And that’s not the way I want to be at my sister’s wedding.

I picture my younger sister’s adorable 2 year old daughter throwing flower petals down the aisle, and I know I’ll be thinking “why isn’t my child walking down the aisle with her?”

I wanted to have happy news to share with everyone. I wanted to be full of joy. I wanted this to be behind me. I wanted to be looking ahead.

I feel out of place with my family. That’s not their fault, but it is what it is. It’s one of those things that I can’t really explain – I just feel like the black sheep or something.

I know that I will not make my goal. I will most likely be in the process of having injections every night for a week. We’ll (probably, hopefully) be in the middle of actively doing something, but I won’t be pregnant. I know this.

I’ve been setting goals for years. I won’t list them here, because even thinking about that list makes me tired and teary. But I have spent the last 3 years saying “I will definitely be pregnant by (insert holiday, event, trip, month, someone else’s baby being born, etc. etc. etc.).

Back in January when we were starting our 3-month break, my therapist encouraged me to think positively and assume that I would be 2 or 3 months pregnant by June. That really helped get me through the beginning of the year.

But it didn’t happen.

I have 4 weeks to get it together and suck it up. Mental preparation goes a long way with this. I have 4 weeks to accept it and get ready to not think about it on the big day. I know it will be a hard day for me, but it will be a happy day, full of joy, and I want to fully participate in that joy. So I’m getting ready now.

This was my last goal. I have no more. I will make no more plans.

This is our last year of this, either way. But there will be no more goals.