The Eternal Guest Room

I’ve had several people comment on my honesty and openness on this blog.

But I don’t feel that I’ve been all that honest, honestly.

There’s a lot I haven’t said. I haven’t really told anyone how I really feel in my darkest moments. Or anywhere close.

I haven’t told anyone how angry I’ve been. I haven’t admitted a lot of the thoughts I’ve had. There’s a lot I’ll only say to a therapist, or to Darek, or just to myself. If half of the people I know didn’t read this, I’d probably be a lot more honest. But I don’t even know who reads this stuff, so I self-censor quite a bit. I worry that people might treat me differently or think less of me, knowing about all these raw, yucky emotions I have.

I haven’t been totally honest about a lot of my feelings. I’m not sure if anyone wants to hear those anyway.

Lately I feel like we’ve given up hope completely. Yes, we’re planning on doing IUI(s), and yes that might work, but it might not. It’s been a long time with no major problems and it hasn’t happened; we know it may never happen. It’s a reality that we face that I don’t think most people really grasp. Darek used to say all the time “It will happen…” but he doesn’t say it anymore. We used to talk about how it would be to have a kid. We used to make tentative plans. We don’t really do that anymore.

It feels so distant and unattainable. I measure our failures in other peoples’ successes; how can other peoples’ kids be turning 2 months or 2 years when we started trying long before them?

Lately I feel like this will be our reality forever.

It’s just so hard to imagine it any other way.