The Eternal Guest Room

I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I knew how this would end.

If I knew what the future held, I could deal with whatever I needed to deal with. If I knew for sure that we would have kids someday, I could wait patiently and enjoy the time we have together, just the two of us. I treasure our first few years of marriage when it was just the two of us. I hear about newlyweds getting pregnant and I don’t envy them. I do envy how easy it is for them – that something that seems so simple actually is – but I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. I’m angry at the injustice of it but it’s not a path I would have chosen, personally.

In grief and tragedy there comes a time when you need closure, so you can move on. If I knew that the answer was “never,” I could find a way to start the process of coming to terms with that.

It’s so easy for other people to say “I know this will happen for you.”

But of course in life there are no guarantees.

People seem to think adoption holds guarantees – but it doesn’t. It’s a complex process and adoptions fall through every day. Someone recently told me about a co-worker who was about to adopt, but then the birth mother changed her mind. The would-be adoptive father said that receiving the phone call with the news was like getting a call about a death in the family.

I recently heard about a girl who finally gave birth after 5 IUIs – only to have her baby die after 2 weeks on this earth.

People who don’t have any issues with infertility get that positive test and expect to have a baby in 9 months – but people who struggle for years know that 2 pink lines doesn’t necessarily equal a “take-home baby.”

Obviously it’s just a part of life, that we don’t know what the future holds, but this is such a biggie.

I am quite honestly running out of hope.