The Eternal Guest Room

I’ve lost a lot, these past few years. In some ways I feel like I’ve completely lost myself, if I’m allowed to be a little melodramatic.

It has just sucked.

The past year has been the worst, by far. Last August, a bunch of stuff happened at once, and it was entirely too much for me. The next several months after that were not much better. As the year went on it got less dramatic, but not easier.

When I look back on this past year I see clouds, and darkness. Lots of grief and tons of pain. A year ago I felt totally, completely alone. It was a tough year for me. When I look back on the past year, I don’t fault myself for any of my emotions or reactions. It was just literally too much for me to deal with at once.

But I don’t want to dwell on that year anymore. I feel like I’ve lost myself and lost my life, and I want it all back. I’ve spent 3 1/2 years of my life waiting, desperately hoping, and not doing much of anything else. I’m tired of it.

I’m trying to move forward.

It isn’t easy, for sure, and it’s a slow process, but it’s time.

In some ways I wonder if I haven’t allowed myself to move forward because I’m afraid that if I do, everyone will forget about us and what we’re going through. I don’t want to go back to the “alone” that was before.

But I can’t live like this anymore – completely focused on this one thing, pushing things back indefinitely, waiting until it finally happens to get on with my life. It’s getting old.

Sometimes it comes down to the simplest of things; just keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time – but I’m ready to move ahead.

I want to be okay again.