The Eternal Guest Room

Halloween has always been a big deal to me, and a special day for us. We had our first date on Halloween and got engaged 2 Halloweens later. It’s an anniversary.

I had a hard time giving up the “kid things” about Halloween. I went trick-or-treating every year until I went to college. I always made sure to carve a pumpkin and make caramel apples. Those things reminded me of my childhood, and being a kid, and the magic that went along with the holidays. And I fully, completely, 100%  intended to do all of these things with my own children someday.

Along with all the other holidays, Halloween lost something for me as the years went on. Doing the “kid stuff” was just a reminder of what I didn’t have. Last year especially, I was a wreck during Halloween weekend.

But this year I tried to move on. I got dressed up and went to a party. I bought caramel (but ran out of time to put in on the apples, so close). We even passed out some candy to trick-or-treaters, which I haven’t been able to do in past years. It was emotional, but I did it. We watched The Shining. Then we watched It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. And there was a line that really made me think.

As we all know, the Great Pumpkin that Linus tells Sally will be there doesn’t show up, and Sally is upset. She says:

“I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Pumpkin when I could have been out for tricks or treats! Halloween is over and I missed it!…What a fool I was.”

And I thought: “Yes. Exactly. That’s exactly how I feel.” I feel like I’ve spent the last several years and holidays waiting. Waiting for this amazing thing that people insisted I would have and that I truly believed I would have. And while I was waiting, life went on without me, and I missed it. I could have been out having fun and enjoying life and instead I was just sitting around waiting and feeling so depressed that I didn’t enjoy a thing.

I feel like I was robbed.

And that leads to the question – well, was I robbed, or did I rob myself? But then I think, “does it really matter?” I mean, what’s the difference?

That’s one of the most horrible things about infertility; it really robs you of so much. It robs you not only of your own children but also of joy, peace, naivety, innocence, happiness for people you care about who are able to get pregnant, the ability to enjoy what you have and the life you’ve been given. It takes away so much.

I worry that I will always regret these last 3 years. I feel like I’ve missed out on everything and haven’t accomplished anything. And I feel like I haven’t cared. The whole thing makes me feel bad, and kind of guilty.

I do feel like I was robbed. It isn’t fair what some of us have to go through. I could blame myself, but one thing I’ve learned though this is that you can’t and shouldn’t judge people, because no one knows how they will react to any situation. It is what it is.

I go in tomorrow morning for my baseline sonogram for our last IUI. The finality is weird. If this one doesn’t work, we either give up or move forward. I wish I hadn’t lost what I’ve lost, but the truth is that I already have. My hope is that as life moves forward, I’m able to move forward with it, or at least be an active participant in it. These days, my hopes are in the simple things.