The Eternal Guest Room

I was going to post about something different, but I started thinking yesterday about something I don’t usually think about.

We’ve been fairly public about our infertility struggles for a few years, and a little over a year ago went very public about it – D posted a link to this blog on his facebook wall for all to see (I didn’t post the link on mine because I have clients on my list and it was before the days of selective sharing). We’ve been very, very fortunate in that people have either been understanding and supportive or haven’t said anything; we haven’t gotten the hurtful comments that some people get.

I was going to post about loss but yesterday I started thinking about strength.

Over the course of the past year or so, several people have made comments about me being strong. I generally don’t think of myself this way; the people who say I’m strong don’t see me at my worst, crying my eyes out or thinking I can’t get out of bed some days.

But when I really stop and think about it, they’re right. I have strength that I didn’t know could even exist in me. I’ve been through so much, and I’m still here. That’s got to count for something. Some people say that infertility makes them stronger, but I don’t feel that way. I feel like infertility has made me realize that I’m stronger than I think.

I get out of bed when I don’t think I can face another day. I have injections in my stomach while I’m in my house. I make phone calls to set up more doctor’s appointments immediately after finding out more devastating news. I somehow find the strength to keep enduring more treatments, even though I know they will probably fail. I visited my newborn niece at a time when my heart was completely broken. I’ve sent people baby gifts even though the thought of it made me feel like crawling into a hole. I have gone to family events that felt like the most unbearable things I could imagine. I manage to put a smile on my face even on the days when it feels like everything is crashing down around me.

I see unbelievable depths of strength in the ALI (Adoption/Loss/Infertility) community; these women are absolutely amazing. They endure pain that most people can’t even imagine, and they survive. Their strength constantly floors me. The blogs I read and the stories I hear are often heartbreaking – loss after loss, year after year, crushing disappointment after disappointment – and I wonder how people keep going. But they do, because they possess this unbelievable strength. Even though it doesn’t feel like it sometimes (or most times), it’s there.

Those of us enduring infertility often have a hard time feeling especially thankful during the holidays. Today is a day where people all around the country are sitting around tables with their families thinking about how thankful they are to have them, and some of us want nothing more than a family of 3 to be thankful for. And of course I’m thankful for my  husband, and my cats, and my house, and our families and friends and all of that.

But today I have another thing to be thankful for: these people who are walking down a similar road, facing things close to what I’m facing, and who are able to reach out past their own pain to offer support to others. Someone once told me that pregnancy and babies are not merit-based, and it’s so true – these women deserve babies more than anyone. When they do get their babies I rejoice for them.

I am thankful for their support, and I am thankful for their strength, and I am thankful for mine.