The Eternal Guest Room

Countdown to surgery: 2 weeks, 1 hour, 30 minutes.

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This morning I had to take my mom to the airport so she could visit the newest grandbaby. That was tough. Luckily the roads were covered in ice, so avoiding death was a nice distraction.

It’s still hard for me to believe that my younger sister has two children while I still have no idea if I’ll have any. Finding out she was pregnant with her second was expected but still hard. And, without setting specific goals, I thought to myself, “surely, by the time that kid gets here, I’ll have my own on the way.” Apparently even thinking that way is dangerous, but I was feeling hopeful about the most recent IUI at the time and really thought it could be nearly over.

Two weeks until my second surgery. Three months until IVF (possibly more, since you never know). And then, who knows.

Someone recently asked D: “Why don’t the doctors just start with the most ‘sure’ thing?” Meaning: “Why haven’t you just done IVF yet?” D just told him how much it costs, and I think that was explanation enough. But it’s more than that; IVF is a hard thing to go through, emotionally as well as financially.

It does bother me a little to know that there will always be people out there just thinking “Why don’t you just do IVF?” or “Why don’t you just adopt?”

There is no just. But unless people ask – and most probably won’t – they won’t know that.

These days are passing so slowly. I feel like January lasted several months.

I have more stuff to write about, but today my thoughts are scrambled. I’m tired from last night’s lack of sleep due to airport runs and I’m tired of it feeling like it’s 4 degrees outside and I’m tired of not being able to go to work because it’s closed, because it means I just lost a week of income that we needed.

For now I’m just counting down and trying to pass the time.