The Eternal Guest Room

I am trying so, so hard to be ok. Of course, the harder I try, the more stuff seems to be thrown at me. Or at least that’s how it seems.

But I try not to dwell on those things. (Too much.) I take time to grieve them – get a pizza, have some wine, listen to sad music, don’t do any work for a day – and then try to move on. This weather is helping. Winter gets me down and Spring makes me breathe deeply again. I see the sun and hear the birds outside my window.

I know that we might still have a long road ahead. IVF keeps getting pushed back and back and back. But I can’t keep putting my life on hold and so I try to get on with it, and be ok.

Life is busy now, and that helps. I don’t really have time to be sad. A big part of my job is to focus on the happiness in other peoples’ lives, and that’s been hard these past years but I’m trying to get past that.

I’m also feeling hopeful. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing; at this point it helps me get through the days but I’m afraid that at another point it will grind them to a halt.

I’ve been listening to a fertility teleconference this week and they talk a lot about trying to gain control. I’ve felt out of control for years and there is comfort in trying to regain some of that. More on that in another post.

As soon as I figure out how to work my new scanner I’ll share my polyp pictures. They’re pretty interesting and actually may hold some answers. I know you’re excited to see the inside of my uterus! Who wouldn’t be?