The Eternal Guest Room

I recently had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and there were 2 pink lines. They were so vivid and the dream was so real that when I woke up I still felt like it had really happened. I woke up and thought I was pregnant.

Then I realized it was dark and I was lying in bed and I realized that it was just a dream.

But it felt so real that I felt like I had actually lost something. D could barely get me out of bed when it was time because an overwhelming wave of grief was weighing me down.

I’ve never seen two lines. I don’t know how that feels, to look down and see that and realize what it means. In my dream I was happy, and excited, but still in disbelief. I wanted to run out and tell everybody, but I was afraid to, because I knew the lines could go away.

Mostly, though, I was happy. D was there, and we were happy together, both staring at the lines, and overjoyed at what they meant.

It felt so real that I thought about peeing on a stick when I got out of bed, but I knew that would be a waste (way too early, and every other one has been a waste so far anyway). I went through the day quietly, remembering, tearful. I hadn’t felt such a strong sense of loss in a long, long time.

Most days, I do ok. But some days are still soul-crushingly hard. Sometimes having dreams makes it harder.

Since it’s been nearly a month since I went to Atlanta (and since I’ve blogged), I guess it’s time to write about it. I would have done it sooner but I’ve been so busy that the thought of figuring out how to size the photos correctly just made me push it off “one more day” – a lot of days.

It seems surreal that I went. We drove from Dallas to Atlanta on a Friday and from Atlanta to Dallas the following Sunday. The event itself was short – I think we were there for about an hour and a half. It was really focused on families, to the point where I almost felt out of place being childless, but luckily I was mostly prepared for that. It felt like most of the people there had already “resolved” their issues and had children (or were about 2 weeks away from popping one out). There were also a lot of groups – people who knew each other and had formed teams and had matching t-shirts and everything. And I got the feeling that most people were from the Atlanta area, although that’s just a guess (but I think I’m right). So in some ways I felt kind of like an outsider, which was not what I was really expecting, and I didn’t meet or even talk to anyone, which I had figured I would. But then, a lot of that probably has more to do with the fact that I’m really shy and am not good at meeting people.

So, I say all that not to say it was bad, but it wasn’t really what I pictured (though I really wasn’t sure what to expect). We waited around for awhile for things to start, and then they kicked it off and had several people speak – people who had gone through infertility, organizers of the walk, and some other people (it was a month ago, my memory is a little fuzzy). They did a butterfly release for a long-time doctor who had recently passed away. Butterfly releases are always a little funny to me – the butterflies have been asleep, then suddenly they’re shaken out of their box/envelope/whatever and wake up to fly (or hang out on the ground, or on people, etc.). But I like the sentiment behind it.

After people spoke, we lined up and walked around the park. People kept asking me “how long is the walk?” and I said, “um, like less than a mile.” They were picturing something like the long breast cancer walks, I’m sure. But it was super short, because a lot of the people there were either pushing strollers, walking with young kids, or carrying an almost-born baby. So we walked around the park, and my mom and I talked some, but mostly walked, and I thought about why I was there and what we were doing.

Quite a bit of money was raised for the Walk, and I’m guessing quite a bit of Infertility Awareness was raised as well. It was empowering to actually be doing something. I feel so much that I’m just sitting on my hands waiting for things to happen. This was a time when I could actually participate in something that hopefully makes a difference. I thought about the people who cared so much about me, and the people who had donated money to Resolve on my behalf, and I felt so humbled to have that kind of support. It’s not easy to be so open about this stuff but it’s worth it to feel so much love and support and I feel so much less alone. I may not have many any friends at the walk, but I have so many amazing friends and family members that are rooting for me, I have everything I need.

I’m glad I went. It was totally worth the 26 hour round-trip drive to be there for two hours and walk less than one mile. It also meant so much to have my mom there, walking by my side, supporting me and showing that she cares so much about me and what I’m going through. We had a wonderful day in Atlanta, going to places we used to live and doing things we used to do when we lived there.

I knew I was a little bit crazy for making this trip in the middle of the incredible busyness of my life right now, but it was totally worth it.

I took a few pictures and they’re pretty bad, but I wanted to have something to show you.

Part of the route:

Listening to speakers before the Walk:

The starting place! I liked the butterfly balloons:

A sign so we wouldn’t get lost on the walk:

Balloons:

In some ways I feel like I should say more, but I’m not really sure what to say. I’m so glad I was able to go. I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you who donated money – I am really touched by that, and it means so much. I appreciate everyone’s support, not only that but just the emotional support. It truly means more than I can say. You guys are the best.