The Eternal Guest Room

Infertility kinda sucks.

trying to keep my pants on


I’m impatient.

It’s so hard to sit and watch so many people leave me behind. I want so badly to be moving forward, but instead I’m sitting in the same place, treading water, just waiting. The decision to postpone IVF was not an easy one, no matter the reasons, but it didn’t really drive me crazy until everyone else started theirs. And one by one, I watch them become pregnant. Not all, but enough to make me feel very alone. The closer it gets, the harder it becomes to wait patiently.

I’m thrilled for them. I truly am. But I wish I wasn’t still just waiting.

I’ve been attending my support group for nearly a year and a half. Next month, I’ll be on the fourth leader in that time. I’m wondering if I should have taken the group over myself, since that seeemed to work for everyone else. I’ve thought about not going anymore; people keep coming in and leaving with success, or at least undergoing treatments. It’s hard to be a bystander. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I’m antsy. When we made our plan, we said “what’s a few more months after 4 years?” Now I feel like just one more month is going to put me over the edge.

People keep saying: “It’s so close! Just look how fast x y and z got here! October will be here before you know it!” And even though I know it, it’s hard to plod along every day. The days get longer the closer it gets. The rational voice in my head says “it’s so close – just keep your pants on, silly.”

But there’s the rational, and the other, and we all know who usually wins.

3 Responses

I double dog dare you to take your pants off. Kidding!!! =)

Don’t stop going to group, I think it’s important that you are connected to people who know exactly what is going on with you in a way that even those of us who know you best can’t. Good luck with the waiting, I do know what that feels like.

  • Silly – such a silly word… Silly, silly, silly, willy nilly, billy, silly!
    Sorry, those are the voices in MY head…


  • I am sorry I haven’t been able to talk to you in a while, but I’m always thinking about you! Unfortunately the two of us are the only ones left from when I started going to Resolve last year. I have taken a totally different route, but it is still hard watching all the cycles and successes. But it does seem like being the leader means pretty quick success, so I am excited for you! So I hope the time goes by fast and you are announcing your good news soon!

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