My little sister is having a baby tomorrow.
She’s scheduled for a c-section in the morning. As much as I knew this day was coming, it still hit me harder than I expected. She’s 5 years younger than me, has been married for 4 years, and still doesn’t seem like she should be old enough for either. Well, it’s probably more accurate to say that I don’t feel like I’m old enough for her to be at either of those points.
Tomorrow I will become a third-time aunt (for those that don’t know, I’m the oldest of 4). Each time stings, but each one also gets a little easier as the passage of time numbs my heart a little more.
I feel like a horrible person. I feel no joy in these children entering my world, and I hate to admit that; writing it for the world to see makes me feel like a monster. But it’s true. After they are born, when I meet them, I love them, of course, but when they first make their arrival I can’t see past my own ridiculous grief. My mom says “I understand that this is hard for you and it hurts, but I know you’re happy for your sisters.” I don’t have the heart to tell her that I am not.
I wish them every happiness, every joy – but I can’t say I feel happy for them.
I know that time will lessen this pain, and that someday, it probably won’t really matter. But every new baby that enters the family makes me feel less a part of it. Everyone else is full of joy, so excited and happy, sharing each others’ elation – and I’m alone, grieving, and hating myself for feeling the way I do.
When I was in college, a friend died on my 20th birthday. The pain was so raw, so intense, that I couldn’t ever see another moment without it being in my future. As I sobbed, a good friend hugged me and whispered, “this too shall pass.” And it did. Not the sadness or the feeling of loss, because 12 years later I still think of him and remember the pain, but the sharp, heart-wrenching grief has subsided, and I remember his life more than his death now.
I know that this, too, shall pass. I know that this time in my life will not last forever. I know that I will love and adore each of my nieces and nephews (and I know that I will have a lot). I can look ahead and see that things will not always be the way they are. For this I am thankful. And it’s probably the only reason my selfish grief hasn’t swallowed me up yet.
For now I am saying “it isn’t fair” and “what about me.” I use these births to mark the passage of time for us. I know it’s wrong, but that’s the thing about feelings – they don’t really care if they’re appropriate or not.
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Stacie, I know just how you feel. And it’s OK for you to feel like that — I’m sure you are the best auntie to your nieces/nephews, and that’s what counts. I’m hoping and praying that you have your day soon, too.
I once told my sister (the one in the abusive relationship living in a crappy trailer in missouri) that I was jealous of her because she was married. And I meant every word. Those feelings you describe are the reason that I do not go to weddings, even for close friends. I am glad for people who get married, blah blah blah, but I am overwhelmed with jealousy too. When I see people who are fatter than me, or meaner than me, or whatever, who are married (or have been married 2-3 times), I have to confess that I think, “why not me? what’s wrong with me?” and I cry about it more often than I like to admit. I think these feelings are probably pretty normal for someone in your (or my) position and I think you are handling them the best you can. Love you lots, I’ll be thinking about both you and L tomorrow.
Great post, Stacie. A woman we both know has a habit of saying ‘feelings are judgment-proof.’ I didn’t realize until I heard this and understood it that I had been conditioned to believe that my feelings had to be appropriate, and if they weren’t, that something was wrong with me and I needed to control them. But they come from an uncontrollable place within us! And it turns out that leaning into the feeling is the door to dealing with it, where running away or hating yourself for feeling something only makes it last and last. I think being honest about your lack of true happiness is awesome because you may be able to let go of some of the guilt for not having the ‘appropriate’ feeling. Feelings are judgment-proof.
I am so sorry. I hope you can find strength to smile and coo in the acceptable way while your heart catches up with life. I understand this so well. I do not have siblings having kids but every single one of my friends is popping out babies like there is nothing easier and its hard to keep attending showers that then become first birthday parties…and I am still childless. Feeling your pain today, but hopeful that this too shall pass.
Yeah, I can relate. Each birth announcement, each birth, each child’s birthday brings some grief with it for me. It doesn’t mean we love them any less – these children and their mothers – it just means we are grieving what we don’t have. It makes me feel guilty too, but I try not to dwell on that guilt too much and just accept that it comes with the territory of IF. I don’t think you’ll find too many IF women that wouldn’t feel this way. So just know you’re not unusual. You are human.
Stacie, love you so much! And L. loves you so much and she understands. She wants for you to be happy and to have a family with all that she has. Hang on. I know that these children will love you intensely and yes, that life will change. I pray for all of us to be understanding and compassionate and to stand by you…through all of it. Miss you.
I could have written this post myself. Been there. Done that. I feel for you. It sucks. Although I am finding it harder as time goes by. Embrace your feelings. I’ve learned when I try to run from my feelings I just get more resentful. One day at a time. Hang in there sweetie. Thinking of you…
Thinking of you. Praying for you. I love what you said about how our feelings don’t care if they are appropriate or not. Take the time you need to deal with your hurt and don’t feel bad about that. Your friend is right, this too shall pass, but it hurts now and you can’t quiet the hurt.
Sending hugs Stacie. I admire your raw honesty. And I really like the phrase that feelings are judgment proof. I hope so because I’ve had tons of those feelings that are considered by the fertile world as inappropriate. Big, big hugs.