The Eternal Guest Room

I’ve been waiting to post until I took a picture of my meds, but I just can’t seem to get myself to do that so I’ll go ahead and write something in the meantime.

It’s kind of weird right now. Everything is very surreal.

I’m ready to be done with the birth control pills. Ever since I started taking them I’ve been more emotional and much more irritated. Last week I snapped at my supervisor and nearly lost my temper completely with her – which would have been very bad. They give me mood swings and I’ve had a few complete breakdowns, some of which were very embarrassing. And I learned the hard way that the pills and alcohol are a bad combination, at least during my first week of taking them; so much for enjoying some wine at a wedding. And the side effects are getting worse instead of better as I take them longer. I’m worried about how the rest of the meds are going to affect me – I’ve taken one of them without much problem, but it was a lot less. It’s only the beginning of the hormones and so far it is not going well; I’m scared of the next 2 months. Right now I feel like a crazy person.

I’m actually sort of having a hard time as IVF gets closer. Well, now that it’s here. I was excited and looking forward to it for so long but now that it’s here, I don’t want it to be. I’m not sure why. Maybe because for months I thought (or hoped) we wouldn’t really need it. Maybe it has something to do with spending time around children that came with no problems. Maybe it’s all the shots in my fridge and needles on my kitchen counter. Maybe it’s just too real.

I wish I was happy and excited and hopeful, but I just feel like skipping the whole thing and giving up entirely. It’s so dumb. And maybe it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t know.

But I feel crappy about the whole thing. I feel like a whiny child: I don’t want to do it, why can’t I be like everybody else? I annoy myself completely.

I have needles in my purse. Every time I see them my stomach turns over. I mean to take them out but I always forget when I’m at home. Now that it’s here, I’m terrified of the shots. There are so many.

I know it’ll be fine. Millions of women have done this and survived. I remind myself that the shots are temporary; lots of people have to take shots their entire lives just to stay alive. I can suck it up for 2 months.

I’m hoping that these feelings don’t last; I’m hoping that I start to get excited and hopeful and do all that positive thinking business. Right now though, it just isn’t happening.

I think I’ll blame the pills for that too. That’s fair, right?