The Eternal Guest Room

That is the big question.

Some people don’t test at all until their beta (blood test). They want to wait until the definitive answer; those sticks can be so ambiguous. Plus, it’s hard to see a negative result on a test, and sometimes those can be wrong, either way.

Other people can’t wait until the blood test, or would rather find out on their own instead of a call from the doctor. I’ve seen a lot of girls, mostly on my online forum, who test every day until the trigger is out (the trigger shot you take before retrieval will show up as positive on a pregnancy test – the only + test I’ve ever seen is right after triggering for an IUI), and then keep on testing.

I’ve gone back and forth about this for months. It’s mental torture.

For about 3 years, I tested every single month. For me, personally, knowing it was negative was easier than anxiously thinking maybe it was positive. Well, I guess in the beginning it wasn’t, but as the years went on, that’s what I remember – the disappointment was so much easier than the hope. For a lot of people, it’s the complete opposite. I stopped doing that about a year ago, when I realized what a complete waste of money it was for me. And I guess when I completely gave up hope of it ever happening on our own.

But IVF is so different – in every way in general, but in this specifically. There is only one shot. If it’s negative this month, there isn’t an “oh well maybe next month” shrug to follow. So I debated for a long time – test or don’t test?

I’m being intentionally vague about my official beta bloodwork day. Only a handful of people know when it is. We won’t be telling anyone the results right away (well, except for my support group, those girls don’t have to wait) because we want to be able to tell them in our own time.

And I’m not going to say whether I test or not at home. If this was an anonymous blog I’d be 100% open about everything, but it isn’t, and more and more I realize I have no idea who I know in real life that reads this blog.

I’ve made a decision about testing. It was not an easy one, but it’s one that I feel most comfortable with.

The days are passing, albeit slowly. Yesterday was a really good day – we walked around the square a little, relaxed in our cottage, ate amazing food, and read books. I skipped the bath out of paranoia and some time on google. Better safe than sorry I guess. But next time we stay somewhere it will have the most incredible bathtub available.

I survived another birthday. This one was easier than the last 4, but it still carried some sadness. I hope that next year will be The year. For now, I continue to anxiously wait.