The Eternal Guest Room

The holidays are hard.

Another year has gone by, and we’re still where we were 3 years ago. We thought that by now, we’d have one more stocking to put up. We’d have someone else to buy Christmas presents for. There would be small feet in festive feety pajamas. We thought there’d be 3 of us.

We had a quiet Christmas. It was hard to think about the holiday without very sharply feeling the loss, so it was a little different than usual. We didn’t decorate, we didn’t put up a tree, we didn’t hang stockings on the fireplace. There was no Sufjan Stevens Christmas music playing in the background and no greenery scattered throughout the living room.

We did exchange presents, and we did take our annual Christmas photo. But instead of taking it in front of the tree, we took it where the tree usually is. In that corner we have a tall candle holder that holds 39 tealights. We lit them all, and that was our Christmas tree. 39 months is about the length of time we’ll have been trying to have a baby once we can start trying again (after healing from the surgery). So we found some significance in that.

We spent the afternoon with Darek’s family, and that was nice. They understand what we’re going through, and there’s comfort in that.

I’m mostly just glad Christmas is over this year.

Well, it didn’t work.

No Christmas miracle for us.

I have a sonogram picture on my desk, but instead of those photos with the hard-to-see babies in there, there’s a picture of a huge polyp. Turns out that might be a problem. So I’ll be having surgery sometime next month to have that removed.

Merry Christmas to us.

I realized after a phone conversation yesterday that I may not have been totally clear on where we are and what’s going on. So, a few points that I thought we should make:

Yes, we did the IUI. It was very weird and extremely surreal, but everything went correctly. We spent the day together and did the whole process together, as much as possible.

Yes, Darek gave me shots. He stabbed me in the stomach 3 times, and it wasn’t too bad. I kept my eyes shut and concentrated on breathing (I’m truly the biggest baby about shots). The nurse gave me the last shot at the doctor’s office, so it was 4 total. I only got one bruise and one red mark.

Yes, we honestly do welcome questions, but no, just don’t ask us if it worked.

Just one more thing I want to mention: it’s very rare for the first IUI to be successful. People almost always do more than one, and on average it takes 3-4 IUIs for success.

Basically, an IUI is supposed to put you on par with “normal” people – and though it can happen, not many normal people get pregnant on the first attempt. It seems like they do, but I’ve decided that’s because those are the people who love to tell how quickly it happened; the people who spend months at it tend not to bring that aspect up.

I think that’s about it.

This weekend one of my most bestest friends is flying into town to spend the weekend with me for my birthday (which was yesterday – that’s a whole other post though). One of the things that has made this whole thing extra hard is that my closest friends don’t live anywhere near me, so I hardly ever get to see them. So I’m excited for this weekend. It’s given me something to look forward to.

So that’s nice.

There’s not too much to report. We’re just waiting, waiting. Always waiting.

Waiting is hard.

It’s so easy for other people to marginalize the waiting. They say “it’ll happen” and “when the time is right.” It sounds great, but it’s super hard to believe it after waiting almost 3 years. Every month is a whole new wait, and every month is a whole new loss. We grieve our loss every month, and there’s no end in sight.

A friend once described this road as “living your life in 2-week increments.” There are the two weeks when you know for sure you’re not pregnant, and the two weeks when you think – and hope against hope – you might be. Rinse and repeat.

It messes with your head.

The waiting doesn’t sound so bad, but it really is.

Fortunately I’ve had a couple of great friends that have been really supportive – checking in on me and hanging out with me. One even came over with pumpkin bread, yarn, and crochet lessons. I can’t even tell you how helpful that’s been.

And that’s about all that’s going on right now.