The Eternal Guest Room

I have a hard time finding the right words. After all the Hope I was just left with Empty.

Most people already know by now that it didn’t work. Again. Of course.

This one has been, by far, the hardest to bounce back from. I don’t know if it was because of our high hopes, the good numbers, or a combination, but it’s hard to move on from it. We were so hopeful.

I kept myself busy and distracted immediately after the news, and I’d hoped that would soften the blow. I spent a week in Seattle and it was great; I’ve actually been back for less than 24 hours. Today is the first time I’ve been alone and the quiet is overwhelming. It’s back to reality today, and reality is hard.

Meanwhile, other people continue to get pregnant left and right, almost always with little to no effort. Even the infertile people seem to be getting pregnant more frequently these days – don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, I truly am, but it still always feels like another slap for me. We’re closing in on 3 and a half years of this. When will it be my turn? Will it ever be? I struggle with the very real possibility that it may never be.

Life is full of uncertainty these days. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m going backwards. But we’re finally taking off several “holds” we’ve put on life over the last few years. I have no idea what life will be like in a year. Everything is up in the air at the moment.

Our eight year wedding anniversary was last week. Eight years and no kids. It was kind of a tough day, even if I hadn’t gotten yet another pregnancy announcement first thing that morning. So many years have gone by.

My trip to Seattle meant we had to skip a month, but even if we could have jumped immediately into another IUI cycle, we wouldn’t have. I feel emotionally drained. I just don’t have what it takes to do it all again right away. The plan is to do another one around the end of this month, but I’m not ready to put my heart into it just yet.

I’ve almost been surprised about how hard this has been. At one point I remember thinking “how can it hurt so much to lose something I never even had?” It feels silly to grieve so deeply for something that was never even real.

But it feels terrible.