The Eternal Guest Room

Negative.

For anyone wondering.

Life goes on. Like being underwater. Everything a bit muffled.

We cashed out a retirement account and IVF appears to be in our future.

I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say on the subject, but for now, that’s about all I really have to say.

When the doctor came in the room for the IUI, he had some bad news. They like to have at least 10 million sperm to go forward with an IUI, but we only had one million. I know that one million sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t.

He left us alone for several minutes so that we could decide whether we wanted to proceed. He said the chances weren’t very good, and that we may not want to spend the money. But we decided to go ahead since it was the end of the IUI train.

Either way, the next step is a meeting with the doctor to discuss the next step, which I’m sure is IVF.

So we did the IUI, knowing that our chances are low, and knowing that it probably won’t work.

I know that it’s possible, and I know that the best cycles can result in nothing and that the worst cycles can sometimes lead to a baby, but I feel grounded instead of Hope-y Floaty.

We’re already looking ahead to the possibility of IVF and talking about finances. But that’s a whole other post.

I don’t know why we continue to go backwards instead of forwards, but I’m glad we’re reaching the end of the IUI road, because it was mostly a tease, and it’s gone on for far too long.

I debated about even sharing any of this, because I can’t help feeling like it doesn’t even matter. But if you see me and I’m not looking terribly excited or hopeful, now you know why.

We are proceeding with the IUI.

I have 5 follicles, which is the absolute max that they will let you do an IUI with. We had to have a discussion with the doctor about the possible risks, and I am really hoping that we don’t have to face any of those.

But we feel like this is our best shot yet. In the past we had 2 follicles for each IUI, and ideally they aim for 3-4, so we’re really hoping that 5 will make a difference.

We’re very hopeful, but also cautiously not getting our hopes up too high.

And I just want to say it again, since it’s been awhile: if you know us in real life, please don’t ask us if it worked. We’ll let you know either way on our own time.

For the next few weeks I’m going to be looking for some serious distractions. Ideally ones that don’t involve sitting in front of a computer, because Dr. Google is a little too close when I’m here. So if you know of anything or just want to hang out with me while I gnaw my arms off, let me know.

I went in this morning to get my ovaries checked out.

During the cycles when the dosage was 75 every night, I only got 1 or 2 follicles. So for this one they upped me to 112.5 for the first 2 nights, and then 75 for the next 2. For some reason my body just gets really ambitious when this happens.

Today I have 5 strong contenders on my right side and 2 on my left. For a grand total of SEVEN. Come on now.

On the way out, the nurse told me I was like the Easter bunny. She then said that I was like the perfect IVF patient.

Um, thanks?

I’m frustrated that I have so many, but the sonogram lady said that hopefully some would mature and the rest would stop, so hopefully that’s what will happen. We go back in tomorrow morning to check out the situation, and I’m soooo glad I don’t have to wait any longer than that.

All I know is that this is the last IUI – even if this one gets canceled, I’m done with these.

Now I have to go keep myself busy for 23 hours.

I remember one year ago from today very vividly.

It was cold and gray; that nasy weather where it’s just sort of drizzling and all you want to do is curl up in bed. But we were so excited – it was the day of our first IUI. We thought that would be it, the answer to our problems. We thought the last several years would be behind us once and for all.

We even took pictures.

I find it somwhat meaningful that we mark this one-year “anniversary” with our last IUI. The actual IUI won’t be for another week or so, but we’ve done 2 nights of injections so far.

I look back on this year and all I can think is “Seriously? This is how far we’ve gotten? Nowhere?”

It’s frustrating.

Our first IUI held a lot of hope. We were excited. Other people were excited. Friends offered to come over to hang out with me and help me pass the time. We made plans. We talked about nursery designs.

None of that really happens anymore.

I’ll be glad to be done with IUI. It was more frustrating than anything. This one is going well so far – and I hesitate to say much, because I don’t want to jinx it – but we started off with no cysts and a good lining and the appointments are lining up with convenient days that make my life much easier.

We’re hoping that it works, but also keeping the “what-ifs” in mind. I don’t know how I’m going to pass the time this time, except that this year we’re actually planning on celebrating Christmas instead of pretending that it doesn’t exist.

And who knows; it’s possible that the IUI may end up getting canceled for the 300th time.

I should be really good at waiting by now but honestly I suck at it.

As I’m about to start the process of ordering yet ANOTHER round of fertility medications, I thought it might be enlightening to share some information with you about what these procedures cost. Not because I necessarily want to tell you how much money we’re spending on this, but more to help you understand what a financial risk these procedures are. Plus, I think it helps to understand one aspect of why it’s so devastating when they fail (in addition to the emotional aspects).

Every doctor’s office is different and there are a variety of ways to do an IUI, but here is what our full injectible cycle costs BEFORE insurance (which not everyone has):

Actual cost of IUI itself: $300

Sperm washing: $200

Sonograms (in our past cycles we’ve had 3 sonograms, at $300 each): $900

Blood work (including a mandatory pregnancy test, even if you know it’s negative): $100

Medications: $700

If you’re still with me, that’s a whopping $2200. Now fortunately our insurance does cover some of this – they cover a chunk of the sonograms and blood work, but no meds and nothing for the actual IUI.

So our cost is:

IUI: 300 – sperm washing: 200 – blood work: 15 – medications: 700 – sonograms: 90 – for a grand total of around $1300. Per attempt. Regardless of the outcome.

When I look back at the amount of money we’ve spent so far, I feel sick. I can think of a million other things I’d rather be spending that money on. I know that people like to say you can’t put a monetary value on things like having children, and it’ll all be worth it in the end, etc., etc., and I know that’s true, but at the same time it’s a tough thing to think about. The people who say that also aren’t facing the possibility of spending every last dime that they have on procedures that may not even work, ever. If it works, it’ll be worth it. But if it doesn’t, it’s just money down the drain.

So that’s what it costs.

I suppose I should write an update, though there’s not much of one.

When I went in for my last sonogram I still only had one mature follicle, so we decided to not do an IUI. Ideally they want 3-4 mature follicles and we felt it wasn’t worth spending the money with only one and therefore such a low chance of success. Now I know that you can have success with one and that you can have the most perfect cycle ever and still not end up pregnant, but since it is going to be our last IUI we decided to wait for better chances. And even if we did want to do the IUI with one follicle, it wasn’t likely to work out since we couldn’t do it on Saturday anyway.

So we’re at the same place we’ve been in for what feels like forever. I still have the cyst and if it doesn’t go away in the next 2 weeks we’ll have to postpone the IUI another month at least.

Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall and other times the whole thing just feels unreal and far away. Infertility is a disease and like any other disease there are good days and bad days.

It’s a good thing I didn’t get my hopes up about this IUI cycle, because it’s been canceled.

I went in for a sonogram today and they found 5-6 mature follicles, which would put me at too high of a risk for multiples.

The doctor wasn’t in this morning when we went in, but he called me himself right before lunch to tell me. He also gave us the option to try on our own, but that was followed up by “are you open to selective reduction?”

No.

$500 and a week of shots down the drain for absolutely nothing – not even a chance.

What a waste.