The Eternal Guest Room

Infertility kinda sucks.

it is on

October 24th, 2011 Posted in IVF, Procedures
Oct, 24 2011
6 Comments »

You know what sucks? Not being allowed to pee.

You know what really sucks? Finally being allowed to pee, but only enough to fill a tiny cup, and then having to stop and hold the rest.

And you know what else really sucks? Having one person push down on your full bladder while a doctor pokes around inside your uterus.

This was my day.

After following the instructions to drink exactly 32 ounces of water exactly one hour before our mock transfer appointment was scheduled, we were called from the waiting room 15 minutes late. Then the nurse said “Okay, we’re going to do your medication training first.” And after seeing a look of panic in my face, she allowed me to pee – a tiny bit.

Then we did our medication training. She showed us how to do 2  kinds of the shots (we’ve already done the other 2 kinds), including the biggest needles I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. After asking me “are you going to pass out on me?” she gave us a handful of slightly smaller needles, and I felt immensely relieved that I’ve lost 9 pounds and qualified to be small enough to get the “Small” needles. 1.5 inches instead of 2.

Yay.

After a crapload of instructions, we got to go back to the sonogram room. I laid down and the sono lady put blue gel on my stomach and pushed a little and immediately said “Wow – you need to go fill another cup” and so I got to go pee a tiny bit more into another tiny cup, then return to the room with a still uncomfortably-full bladder.

It was weirdly kind of fun to finally get the kind of sonogram with the blue gel and the outside sonogram thingy (you know, the kind that pregnant ladies actually get to enjoy)  – instead of the big freaking wand that goes up inside. But in its place was the lovely speculum and catheter combo, so that was kind of short-lived.

So the doctor measured my uterus while the sono lady moved the thingy around, and together they made me super uncomoforbale for several minutes while I stared at the ceiling and tried not to A. Pee on the doctor and B. Clench every muscle in my body and C. Stop breathing.

And, as these things do, it all eventually ended. I guess everything was fine. Measured and planned, or whatever they do. It was a quick process, after all the full-bladder pee-holding.

When we left the room I started to wander down the hallway and D said “don’t you need to go to the bathroom?” and I said “oh yeah” and got to pee for the 3rd time. I’d gotten so used to my uncomfortable state that I’d forgotten what it felt like to not have to pee in a serious way.

Then we checked out and found out that insurance hasn’t paid for a December 2010 visit. Commence eye rolling. Luckily the financial lady at our office actually seems to like me and finally believes me when I say that insurance should cover stuff (these things took a long time to work out) so she didn’t make us pay more than our co-pays. And we got new pricing sheets and found out that the pricing we got back in January is still valid. Yay! I was worried that the price shot up in the last 10 months.

On the way home we filled my prescription for birth control pills. I start tonight because my cycle already started – four days early.

Because that’s how I roll – surprises at every turn.

IVF is on.

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getting ready

October 17th, 2011 Posted in IVF
Oct, 17 2011
2 Comments »

Time is really flying by. IVF is almost here.

I talked to the first pharmacy I’m ordering drugs from today. We’re using two different pharmacies because one has better prices on gon.al f & the trigger shot, and the other has better prices on the rest. In the end we’re saving a whopping $45. It’s easy to say “why bother, it’s just $45 out of at least $2000,” but in the end, forty-five dollars is forty-five dollars. I always heave a dejected sigh when they ask “do you have insurance or are you paying out of pocket?” I’m going to call the other pharmacy tomorrow to get the rest ordered (I’ve been waiting for the credit card statement to roll over).

So step #1 will taken care of: Order meds.

Step #2 is next Monday: Mock transfer and medication training. The mock transfer is basically poking around in my uterus to measure it and decide where to place the embryos. It doesn’t sound too bad on the surface, but here’s the fun part: I have to drink 32 ounces of fluid one hour before the appointment and don’t get to go to the bathroom until AFTER the mock transfer. So they stick a catheter up there and poke around while you have a full bladder.

Oh lord, I hope I’m not the one to pee on the doctor…

Medication training is just what it sounds like: Learning about the medications. We had to schedule it for a time when D could come, since he’ll be the one administering all the shots. After all was said and done, we ended up rescheduling the appointment 3 different times. Hopefully it’s set now.

When I go in for that, I get my prescription for birth control pills.

Yes, it’s true. The protocol I’m doing (which is the most common) starts with a couple of weeks of birth control pills. This way they can shut everything down before starting it all up again. After a few weeks of those, we start the shots.

I’ll get into more of those specifics in a later post. For now I just wanted to let everyone know where we are, because people keep asking, because I apparently am super vague and uninformative when I post here.

I think at this point, I’m just really shocked that we’re here. Even after 4 1/2 years, it doesn’t feel like we could ever really be at this point. But here we are, counting down the days, really doing it. It’s so much different than IUIs – those feel like a lifetime ago. The whole thing is very surreal.

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scared

October 11th, 2011 Posted in General, IVF
Oct, 11 2011
13 Comments »

The reality that I will be doing IVF hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

It’s been so easy over the years to say “I’m going to do IVF” but to actually realize it’s about to happen is another thing entirely.

I feel pathetic, overwhelming self-pity. Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I be like everyone else? They all have it so easy – why do I have to spend a fortune and take daily shots and get invasive doctor visits on a near-daily basis, when they get it all for free? All for nothing?

It’s easy to say “Yay I’m excited! IVF! We finally have a chance!”

But it’s another to face it.

I’m scared.

Lately everyone else’s IVF cycles seem to be failing.

Why would I be any different?

What if it’s all for nothing?

The future is so cloudy. I have no idea what it holds.

Right now, I’m just scared.

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visiting the newest

October 2nd, 2011 Posted in Family
Oct, 02 2011
3 Comments »

I spent last weekend in Seattle visiting my little sister and her new baby. I didn’t drop or break him, so I consider the visit a success. In seriousness though, the time was mostly fine. I even enjoyed it for the most part. I originally figured I’d go pretty soon after he was born, but my sister wanted me to wait awhile so I wouldn’t be there in the midst of insanity (and 8 million other family members) and so we could have some time together (we’re close but don’t see each other a lot because of the distance). So he was a month old when I got there, and it turned out to be a good plan because we did get some sister time in. My sister has been incredibly patient and understanding throughout everything, and it made all the difference in the world.

I held him a lot. I found it to be a lot like holding my cats – a small, warm, soft little thing that makes funny noises when they sleep. Comforting, for whatever reason. I enjoy my sisters’ children when other people aren’t around – which is hard to explain, but there’s something about having other people oohing and ahhing and making a fuss that just stabs me in the heart. I can’t explain it. At one point some of her friends came over and were gushing and going on an on and I just had to get out of the house.

Spending one evening at the grandparents’ house also did not go well for me (not my parents, the other side). Something about being around the grandparents is the worst; all those feelings come rushing back that I’ve worked so hard at getting under control – those feelings of inferiority and defectiveness and isolation. It should be me producing grandchildren and bringing my kids to see their grandparents, and I’m still just the barren aunt with nothing to do but watch everyone else enjoying the expanding family. It hurts.

One morning, my sister was sleeping and her husband went out to walk the dog. He asked me to bring the baby to my sister if he started going crazy, and I said sure. After awhile he started making noises, and being the paranoid and clueless infertile that I am, I had no idea if that was a bad thing or ok (although I was pretty sure it didn’t fall into the “going crazy” category). So I went in to the nursery and picked him up and held him and suddenly I had tears down my face. And I thought “I want this so badly.” And my heart hurt. And I cried.

I have built up defenses and even shut down my heart to some extent, because I have to get on with my life. But I know it’s still down there.

At the end of the weekend I was sad to say good-bye. I know that the next time I see him, it will be surrounded by family, and it will be hard. I’m glad I had that time, with just the 2 of us, and with just my sister. It was a good visit and I’m glad I went. Sometimes the hardest things in life turn out to be the best things you can do, and this was one of them.

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