The Eternal Guest Room

It’s all so unfair.

Most people have it so easy. They decide they want to have a baby, and BAM – they try a month or two, pee on a stick, get the ok from the doctor, announce it on facebook, and have a perfectly healthy 9 months with a perfectly healthy baby at the end of it. Then they usually complain about how uncomfortable it is to be pregnant and how hard it is to have a baby and what a tough thing it is to be a parent.

But it all happens so easily for them.

And then there are the rest of us. Nothing is easy. We try for years. Some of us never have success. I know women who have been trying for 5-10 years with nothing. I know women who have had 5 or 6 rounds of IVF fail.

And then there is – in my opinion – the worst thing; trying for a long time, finally having success, and then losing the baby.

Obviously, any miscarriage is terrible and painful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I think there is a special kind of hell that those women feel who have tried for so long and wanted it so much, and then get it, and then lose it.

A girl in my support group had success from a frozen embryo transfer (FET) after a failed IVF. Then she developed preemclampsia, and the only way to cure it is to deliver the baby. So they induced her with no hope for the baby’s survival. She was 20 weeks along – far enough past the scary first trimester but not far enough to have a viable baby.

It isn’t fair. My heart breaks for her and her husband. I barely knew her, but I’ve been thinking about her constantly. She tried so long that she was out of hope, and then she got a miracle, and now it’s gone.

It’s hard to believe in anything at times like this.

Why is it all so unfair?

After my last post I realized I hadn’t been totally clear about what our plans are. So here is The Plan.

At the beginning of September, I’ll call my doctor to find out what is the best time frame for IVF. I’ll have to have another diagnostic hysteroscopy (not the surgical one) to make sure I don’t have any more polyps. If I do – god forbid – I’ll have to have surgery. Or jump off a building. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

Assuming everything looks good, we’ll start IVF in October or November. The whole process takes about 2 months, so the actual transfer (putting embryos back in) would be either in November or December.

Then.

If – god forbid – IVF does not work, we plan to move, presumably in the Spring (April-ish). I say “plan to” because I know how plans fall through and life happens. But right now it’s nice to have a back-up plan. Life has been on hold for far too long and we’re ready for a change – one way or another. Moving would be kind of a “consolation prize” and gives us something to look forward to just in case we need that. Kind of like when we went to Mexico for my 30th birthday since I wasn’t pregnant by then (wow, that was 2.5 years ago…depressing).

If – yay! – IVF does work for us, we still plan to move, but the “when” would depend on life. We would really have to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of moving with a kid on the way; thinking about costs, insurance, jobs, life, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

We want both – moving and a baby – but right now we want a baby more than we want to move. So we may put moving on hold. Or we may not! But that’s a bridge to cross when we (hopefully) get to it.

So that’s the plan. And hopefully that answers everyone’s questions. Because I know you’re all just dying to know exactly what my life plans are.