Negative.
For anyone wondering.
Life goes on. Like being underwater. Everything a bit muffled.
We cashed out a retirement account and IVF appears to be in our future.
I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say on the subject, but for now, that’s about all I really have to say.
I went back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to post this here. We started another blog a few months ago mainly for posting photos and other general personal things. Most people haven’t found it, and I’m guessing a lot of people don’t venture much past FB anymore these days.
But, for anyone interested, you can see photos from our various trips and happenings at the “other” blog.
Just go to d and s dot com, except type in our full first names instead of just the letters. I’m trying to keep this blog as un-findable as possible, because I don’t want work or clients finding it. Too much of a headache.
If you don’t know our names and want to see it, you can find our names pretty easily in the comments.
Anyway, just thought I’d throw that out there.
Here’s one of the most recent photos:
Sol Duc Falls, Olympic National Park
It’s my birthday today. Today I am 32. I am not super thrilled about that.
I write this knowing that there are women who would love to be in my shoes, and I’m sensitive to that. I know that there are lots of people closer to 40 who will just look at me and think I’m being ridiculous. I am thankful that I am facing these issues at 32 and not at 38. I really am.
But I’m not getting any younger. If we just started trying, my age wouldn’t bother me at all. But it’s been nearly 4 years, and every year that passes is another reminder and another lost year.
I hate when people say “you’re still young, you still have time.” While that may be true, it may not be true. My problems are going to get worse with every passing year, not better. If I had trouble at 28, why would it suddenly get better when I’m 32?
We went to Mexico for my 30th birthday because I was not pregnant and I wanted to be so badly. It seemed like such a milestone; after all, it’s easy to get pregnant in your 20s, but in your 30s, not so much – right? That’s not talk, that’s fact. Your body is really primed for pregnancy when you’re 19 or something ridiculous like that.
I know now how precious time is. I know how short it can be. I know how quickly it can pass. Every passing year is a reminder of what I don’t have. And one year closer to running out of hope.
When the doctor came in the room for the IUI, he had some bad news. They like to have at least 10 million sperm to go forward with an IUI, but we only had one million. I know that one million sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t.
He left us alone for several minutes so that we could decide whether we wanted to proceed. He said the chances weren’t very good, and that we may not want to spend the money. But we decided to go ahead since it was the end of the IUI train.
Either way, the next step is a meeting with the doctor to discuss the next step, which I’m sure is IVF.
So we did the IUI, knowing that our chances are low, and knowing that it probably won’t work.
I know that it’s possible, and I know that the best cycles can result in nothing and that the worst cycles can sometimes lead to a baby, but I feel grounded instead of Hope-y Floaty.
We’re already looking ahead to the possibility of IVF and talking about finances. But that’s a whole other post.
I don’t know why we continue to go backwards instead of forwards, but I’m glad we’re reaching the end of the IUI road, because it was mostly a tease, and it’s gone on for far too long.
I debated about even sharing any of this, because I can’t help feeling like it doesn’t even matter. But if you see me and I’m not looking terribly excited or hopeful, now you know why.
We are proceeding with the IUI.
I have 5 follicles, which is the absolute max that they will let you do an IUI with. We had to have a discussion with the doctor about the possible risks, and I am really hoping that we don’t have to face any of those.
But we feel like this is our best shot yet. In the past we had 2 follicles for each IUI, and ideally they aim for 3-4, so we’re really hoping that 5 will make a difference.
We’re very hopeful, but also cautiously not getting our hopes up too high.
And I just want to say it again, since it’s been awhile: if you know us in real life, please don’t ask us if it worked. We’ll let you know either way on our own time.
For the next few weeks I’m going to be looking for some serious distractions. Ideally ones that don’t involve sitting in front of a computer, because Dr. Google is a little too close when I’m here. So if you know of anything or just want to hang out with me while I gnaw my arms off, let me know.
I went in this morning to get my ovaries checked out.
During the cycles when the dosage was 75 every night, I only got 1 or 2 follicles. So for this one they upped me to 112.5 for the first 2 nights, and then 75 for the next 2. For some reason my body just gets really ambitious when this happens.
Today I have 5 strong contenders on my right side and 2 on my left. For a grand total of SEVEN. Come on now.
On the way out, the nurse told me I was like the Easter bunny. She then said that I was like the perfect IVF patient.
Um, thanks?
I’m frustrated that I have so many, but the sonogram lady said that hopefully some would mature and the rest would stop, so hopefully that’s what will happen. We go back in tomorrow morning to check out the situation, and I’m soooo glad I don’t have to wait any longer than that.
All I know is that this is the last IUI – even if this one gets canceled, I’m done with these.
Now I have to go keep myself busy for 23 hours.
I remember one year ago from today very vividly.
It was cold and gray; that nasy weather where it’s just sort of drizzling and all you want to do is curl up in bed. But we were so excited – it was the day of our first IUI. We thought that would be it, the answer to our problems. We thought the last several years would be behind us once and for all.
We even took pictures.
I find it somwhat meaningful that we mark this one-year “anniversary” with our last IUI. The actual IUI won’t be for another week or so, but we’ve done 2 nights of injections so far.
I look back on this year and all I can think is “Seriously? This is how far we’ve gotten? Nowhere?”
It’s frustrating.
Our first IUI held a lot of hope. We were excited. Other people were excited. Friends offered to come over to hang out with me and help me pass the time. We made plans. We talked about nursery designs.
None of that really happens anymore.
I’ll be glad to be done with IUI. It was more frustrating than anything. This one is going well so far – and I hesitate to say much, because I don’t want to jinx it – but we started off with no cysts and a good lining and the appointments are lining up with convenient days that make my life much easier.
We’re hoping that it works, but also keeping the “what-ifs” in mind. I don’t know how I’m going to pass the time this time, except that this year we’re actually planning on celebrating Christmas instead of pretending that it doesn’t exist.
And who knows; it’s possible that the IUI may end up getting canceled for the 300th time.
I should be really good at waiting by now but honestly I suck at it.
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