The Eternal Guest Room

Last night I did something I haven’t done in a really long time – I came across pictures of a baby in my blog feed and burst into tears.

I feel like this longing will never go away, along with the pain. It seems like no matter how good I’m doing, I stlil have those moments.

Lately I have felt like I’ve constantly been on the verge of tears. I think I’m finally starting to admit that there is a very strong chance we will never have our own kids. I’ve always said it and always known it, but in the back of my mind somewhere I truly believed I’d eventually get pregnant.

Now I look around our house and think “this may be it.” There may never be children there; or at least not until we move out of it. I sit at our quiet dinner table and think “this may be what the rest of our dinners are like.” There may never be kids to laugh and talk with at the dinner table. I look at every aspect of my life and think “this may be all you have to work with.” There may never be anyone else.

I’m so tired. And that may be it; it may just be my overly tired, totally stressed out body and mind telling me these things. And I know IVF is coming up, but the first IVF doesn’t always work, and I don’t see how we could afford a second. The odds are against us. I know this.

I feel bad that I haven’t written or posted anything about National Infertility Awareness Week. I meant to, but I haven’t had a moment this week to get it together. I did post something about it as a facebook status; I got a lot of “likes” but zero comments. One person reposted it. I honestly wasn’t expecting more, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I do kind of wish it had done more. Maybe it got lost in peoples’ feeds with all the pictures of everyone else’s babies and kids.

I don’t know where I’m going with any of this – just trying to get some things off my chest, I guess. I think I’m too tired to think straight right now. I guess I just wish my life was different than it is now. And it’s hard that what I want is so far out of my control.

Lately I have really been struggling with feeling left behind.

First, there is the obvious – younger sisters having babies, people much younger and married a much shorter time than me having not only their first kid but their second, clients whose weddings I photographed long after mine making announcements, watching other peoples’ babies turn one, two, three, and then have siblings – etc.

And then there is the other – we were supposed to do IVF in February. Then we were supposed to do it in May or June. And now we’re pushing it back till late summer or early fall. And meanwhile, I’m watching all the other people going through Infertility getting to start their IVF cycles. Or, in some cases, finish.

I was supposed to be right alongside them, for better or for worse. I was supposed to be going through it with them. But instead they start their pills, continue with their shots, talk about the sizes of their follicles, and I’m just sitting there, with nothing. No progress, no hope, nothing to show for all the years behind me.

I’ve even been left behind by the Infertiles.

I know a bunch of people doing IVF in May/June and I just keep thinking that should be me. One girl from my support group started her IVF when we had originally planned on starting ours and now she’s pregnant with twins, and when I see her I think what if that was me?

I’m just sort of here. I’m jealous when they all go “oh wow, there’s a bunch of us doing IVF in May and June!” I want to be one of them. Because I think I’ve hit the end of my hope for ever having a baby the regular way.

I know that it’s best for us to wait a few more months, but I still feel left behind. The best thing I know to do is stay as busy as possible and not think about it, which I generally do a pretty good job with, but I still feel this nagging pull in my heart when I think or hear about it. I’m not wishing away my summer, because I have things I’m really looking forward to, but I’m so ready to get to the next step. Whether it works or doesn’t, I want to get on with it.

The desperation creeps in. Slowly at first, gradually building, finally all-encompassing. You want a baby so bad you’re willing to try anything to get one. Anything.

First it’s harmless – silly stuff, really. The things everyone knows, everyone tells you, if you let them. Legs up after sex. Just relax – take a vacation, don’t even try for a month, just stop thinking about it. Get really drunk. Check, check, check.

Then it gets a little weirder, you search a little harder, spend a little money. Pineapple cores. Mucinex. Green tea. Red raspberry leaf. Special fertility vitamins. Baby aspirin. Grapefruit juice. Evening primrose oil. Maca. Etc., etc., etc.

Pick your cocktail. Someone tried this and someone else tried that, so you try them both, along with the rest. All of this possibly on top of fertility treatments and shots and pills.

And nothing happens. So you move on to the next phase: acupuncture, herbs, fertility spells, maybe even a chiropractor. The bills start piling up. But you can’t stop: this next thing might be THE thing.

You hear it and think it and say it over and over again: “I’ll try anything, anything at all,” because you’re desperate enough and you know it.

But you keep going, giving into the desperation, because this might be your magic bean, your golden ticket, your key to the whole screwy mess.

And then it isn’t.

So you try something else.

The desperation is consuming. It clings to you like you cling to it. It’s cruel; it gives false hope. It keeps you coming back for more. “Sure,” you say, “I’ll try that. After all, it won’t hurt anything.”

Just your bank account, and your spirit when it fails. It surely looks irrational and ridiculous from the outside. People will think I’m silly and wonder why I bother – many will wonder why we don’t “just” do IVF.

I had a warm spinach salad and a glass of warm water for dinner. Not because I wanted them, but because it might make some sort of difference.

I am desperate. I’ll try anything. Anything at all. I can’t even begin to explain it.

*Disclaimer: I haven’t actually tried all the things listed above – just most of them.