The Eternal Guest Room

A word to the all the fertile people out there:

Don’t ever tell someone who’s having trouble getting pregnant to “just relax” and stop stressing about it. All the relaxing in the world won’t help if someone has blocked tubes or a husband with no sperm. It’s offensive, and it makes people feel invalidated.

But, that being said –

A psychiatrist that I went to for awhile told me repeatedly that depression can hinder conception, and then there are lots of people who believe in the power of positive thinking.

So I have to wonder: Does my mind, or my perception, or what I tell myself, have any effect on anything whatsoever?

In January my therapist encouraged me to “think positively” and believe that I would be 2 or 3 months pregnant when my sister’s wedding rolled around in June. And I did. For awhile I truly, really, actually believed that it would happen.

But it didn’t.

For the last IUI we did, we talked as if it had worked. We even talked about “the twins,” because I sincerely have a feeling that if I ever do get pregnant it will be two at once. It just seems ironic somehow – I don’t know.

But there were no twins, and there was no baby. It was all just empty again.

For this IUI, I have no hopeful feelings. No positive thinking. My heart is just not into it.

Other people have offered to carry the hope for me, which is unbelievably helpful and touching, but I can’t help wondering: am I dooming myself if I don’t carry that hope myself?

Does it really matter?