The Eternal Guest Room

Today is one of those days where this is all-consuming. Most days I can push it to the back of my mind, but today it’s in the forefront and everything else is shuffling around behind it.

It’s been a rough week. And the days are dragging because it’s our last week before starting the IUI process. I’m acutely aware of the passing of time this week. It’s been way too long.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing anything except watching the time go by.

It’s also been a busy week. I’m afraid if I stop doing things, it won’t be pretty. So I try to keep going.

Tonight’s activities include a counseling session and my first support group meeting. Not that either of those will take my mind off things, but at least it’ll be moving in the right direction.

I can’t believe it’s already time for easter. I feel so sad.

this week.

will not.

end.

I feel so discouraged.

So everybody knows about Facebook – the social website designed solely for the purpose of announcing your pregnancy, giving constant updates on your pregnancy, commenting on other people’s pregnancies, and then posting constant photos of your child once it’s born.

Wait, that’s not what it’s for?

I’m being facetious of course. Obviously that’s not what it’s for – but to me, it feels like it sometimes. Of course, in my Facebook feed, nobody is pregnant or has small children. Discovering the “hide” feature was one of the best days of my life. I’m not even sure who I’m friends with sometimes because I haven’t seen their updates in years. Unfortunately “friends'” comments to hidden “friends” still pop up, as do other things.

It probably sounds really immature but I tend to get really upset when certain things show up. So I do my best to stay away from Facebook. There’s no need to torture myself more than I already do. But I do break down on occasion and go back there. Always at the worst time – like the day when yet another newlywed makes their announcement or the day maternity photos are posted or some other depressing thing.

I’ve considered deleting my account, and one of these days it might come to that point. I’ve considered de-friending people, but I don’t want to be totally rude. For now, I just try to stay away.

I’ve already made some decisions for the future, if I ever have the chance to implement them. I will never use an ultrasound photo for my profile picture – Lame! I will never complain about the inconveniences of being pregnant – Annoying! I will not post offensive things such as “having children is the only reason to live” or “you can’t know real love until you have a child” or similar such things – Rude!

You might be thinking: “Yeah, you say that now, but you’ll change your mind.” I won’t. After 3+ years of this, I’m hypersensitive in a crazy way, not only to my feelings but to others’ as well, and that isn’t just going to melt away anytime soon.

I’m having a bad week and feeling extra grumpy today. Can you tell?

We often feel stuck. It’s really hard to make plans or set goals. Even though we’ve been through a lot, it feels like we’re right where we started. I thought that these last 3 years would be full of change, but the truth is that almost nothing has changed.

It’s hard to make plans for the future; we don’t really know how to plan. Things get pushed back, first in months and then in years. We play around with the idea of moving, but when we thought we really had a chance at having kids last year Darek found a new job in Plano, instead of trying to move to another state.

We bought our 3 bedroom house partly because we thought there’d be a kid or two to use the 3rd room. We haven’t really decorated or finished it as a guest room, because we keep hoping that it might be getting changed into a nursery. So it just collects junk and boxes and random stuff, and when people visit us we rearrange and move all the boxes so it’s habitable for them.

All around me, people are moving forward. Getting new jobs, starting families, adding to families, moving to new places. And I’m in the same place I was 3 years ago, and not by choice. I feel utterly and completely stuck. Darek has fortunately found a new and much better job, so at least there’s that, but as for me…

I’ve worked at the library for 6 years; I never intended to be there more than three. As for the photo business, I only have 3 weddings booked for the whole year. That seems to be stuck, too. I consider moving more into children’s portraits because I really enjoy them, but it’s hard to really put my heart into that. I can hardly think about maternity pictures.

So I’m just here, stuck, and not really sure what to do. It’s paralyzing. We’re so, so ready to move forward. This is getting so old.