These days are passing slowly. For some reason I’m not feeling very hopeful, just discouraged. I don’t really know why.
I guess, at this point, it’s just hard to ever really see it happening. In the beginning I could picture us with a couple of kids, hanging out as a family. Over time the images were only of one young kid, not any older than 2 or 3. Then I could only picture us with a very small baby. Eventually I could only picture myself pregnant, nothing beyond that. But now I can barely even imagine that. It all seems so improbable.
People say “yeah, but look at what’s happened over the years, you’ve gotten over all the obstacles and now you finally have a real chance,” but that doesn’t make the last 3 years seem any less real or painful.
The truth is that lots of people go through a ton of stuff – surgeries, medications, procedures, a bunch of stuff that is supposed to absolutely work – and then end up with “unexplained infertility” and no baby in the end. And that could very well be what happens to us. It’s just a realistic outcome that we have to keep in mind.
And maybe I’m just protecting myself, preparing myself for disappointment. Because hoping is one thing, but believing is something else, and finding out that something you’d believed in isn’t real is pretty upsetting.