Lately I have really been struggling with feeling left behind.
First, there is the obvious – younger sisters having babies, people much younger and married a much shorter time than me having not only their first kid but their second, clients whose weddings I photographed long after mine making announcements, watching other peoples’ babies turn one, two, three, and then have siblings – etc.
And then there is the other – we were supposed to do IVF in February. Then we were supposed to do it in May or June. And now we’re pushing it back till late summer or early fall. And meanwhile, I’m watching all the other people going through Infertility getting to start their IVF cycles. Or, in some cases, finish.
I was supposed to be right alongside them, for better or for worse. I was supposed to be going through it with them. But instead they start their pills, continue with their shots, talk about the sizes of their follicles, and I’m just sitting there, with nothing. No progress, no hope, nothing to show for all the years behind me.
I’ve even been left behind by the Infertiles.
I know a bunch of people doing IVF in May/June and I just keep thinking that should be me. One girl from my support group started her IVF when we had originally planned on starting ours and now she’s pregnant with twins, and when I see her I think what if that was me?
I’m just sort of here. I’m jealous when they all go “oh wow, there’s a bunch of us doing IVF in May and June!” I want to be one of them. Because I think I’ve hit the end of my hope for ever having a baby the regular way.
I know that it’s best for us to wait a few more months, but I still feel left behind. The best thing I know to do is stay as busy as possible and not think about it, which I generally do a pretty good job with, but I still feel this nagging pull in my heart when I think or hear about it. I’m not wishing away my summer, because I have things I’m really looking forward to, but I’m so ready to get to the next step. Whether it works or doesn’t, I want to get on with it.