Procedures « The Eternal Guest Room

the beginning

November 1st, 2011 Posted in IVF

Nov, 01 2011

I’ve been waiting to post until I took a picture of my meds, but I just can’t seem to get myself to do that so I’ll go ahead and write something in the meantime.

It’s kind of weird right now. Everything is very surreal.

I’m ready to be done with the birth control pills. Ever since I started taking them I’ve been more emotional and much more irritated. Last week I snapped at my supervisor and nearly lost my temper completely with her – which would have been very bad. They give me mood swings and I’ve had a few complete breakdowns, some of which were very embarrassing. And I learned the hard way that the pills and alcohol are a bad combination, at least during my first week of taking them; so much for enjoying some wine at a wedding. And the side effects are getting worse instead of better as I take them longer. I’m worried about how the rest of the meds are going to affect me – I’ve taken one of them without much problem, but it was a lot less. It’s only the beginning of the hormones and so far it is not going well; I’m scared of the next 2 months. Right now I feel like a crazy person.

I’m actually sort of having a hard time as IVF gets closer. Well, now that it’s here. I was excited and looking forward to it for so long but now that it’s here, I don’t want it to be. I’m not sure why. Maybe because for months I thought (or hoped) we wouldn’t really need it. Maybe it has something to do with spending time around children that came with no problems. Maybe it’s all the shots in my fridge and needles on my kitchen counter. Maybe it’s just too real.

I wish I was happy and excited and hopeful, but I just feel like skipping the whole thing and giving up entirely. It’s so dumb. And maybe it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t know.

But I feel crappy about the whole thing. I feel like a whiny child: I don’t want to do it, why can’t I be like everybody else? I annoy myself completely.

I have needles in my purse. Every time I see them my stomach turns over. I mean to take them out but I always forget when I’m at home. Now that it’s here, I’m terrified of the shots. There are so many.

I know it’ll be fine. Millions of women have done this and survived. I remind myself that the shots are temporary; lots of people have to take shots their entire lives just to stay alive. I can suck it up for 2 months.

I’m hoping that these feelings don’t last; I’m hoping that I start to get excited and hopeful and do all that positive thinking business. Right now though, it just isn’t happening.

I think I’ll blame the pills for that too. That’s fair, right?

it is on

October 24th, 2011 Posted in IVF, Procedures

Oct, 24 2011

6 Comments »

You know what sucks? Not being allowed to pee.

You know what really sucks? Finally being allowed to pee, but only enough to fill a tiny cup, and then having to stop and hold the rest.

And you know what else really sucks? Having one person push down on your full bladder while a doctor pokes around inside your uterus.

This was my day.

After following the instructions to drink exactly 32 ounces of water exactly one hour before our mock transfer appointment was scheduled, we were called from the waiting room 15 minutes late. Then the nurse said “Okay, we’re going to do your medication training first.” And after seeing a look of panic in my face, she allowed me to pee – a tiny bit.

Then we did our medication training. She showed us how to do 2 kinds of the shots (we’ve already done the other 2 kinds), including the biggest needles I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. After asking me “are you going to pass out on me?” she gave us a handful of slightly smaller needles, and I felt immensely relieved that I’ve lost 9 pounds and qualified to be small enough to get the “Small” needles. 1.5 inches instead of 2.

Yay.

After a crapload of instructions, we got to go back to the sonogram room. I laid down and the sono lady put blue gel on my stomach and pushed a little and immediately said “Wow – you need to go fill another cup” and so I got to go pee a tiny bit more into another tiny cup, then return to the room with a still uncomfortably-full bladder.

It was weirdly kind of fun to finally get the kind of sonogram with the blue gel and the outside sonogram thingy (you know, the kind that pregnant ladies actually get to enjoy) – instead of the big freaking wand that goes up inside. But in its place was the lovely speculum and catheter combo, so that was kind of short-lived.

So the doctor measured my uterus while the sono lady moved the thingy around, and together they made me super uncomoforbale for several minutes while I stared at the ceiling and tried not to A. Pee on the doctor and B. Clench every muscle in my body and C. Stop breathing.

And, as these things do, it all eventually ended. I guess everything was fine. Measured and planned, or whatever they do. It was a quick process, after all the full-bladder pee-holding.

When we left the room I started to wander down the hallway and D said “don’t you need to go to the bathroom?” and I said “oh yeah” and got to pee for the 3rd time. I’d gotten so used to my uncomfortable state that I’d forgotten what it felt like to not have to pee in a serious way.

Then we checked out and found out that insurance hasn’t paid for a December 2010 visit. Commence eye rolling. Luckily the financial lady at our office actually seems to like me and finally believes me when I say that insurance should cover stuff (these things took a long time to work out) so she didn’t make us pay more than our co-pays. And we got new pricing sheets and found out that the pricing we got back in January is still valid. Yay! I was worried that the price shot up in the last 10 months.

On the way home we filled my prescription for birth control pills. I start tonight because my cycle already started – four days early.

Because that’s how I roll – surprises at every turn.

IVF is on.

getting ready

October 17th, 2011 Posted in IVF

Oct, 17 2011

2 Comments »

Time is really flying by. IVF is almost here.

I talked to the first pharmacy I’m ordering drugs from today. We’re using two different pharmacies because one has better prices on gon.al f & the trigger shot, and the other has better prices on the rest. In the end we’re saving a whopping $45. It’s easy to say “why bother, it’s just $45 out of at least $2000,” but in the end, forty-five dollars is forty-five dollars. I always heave a dejected sigh when they ask “do you have insurance or are you paying out of pocket?” I’m going to call the other pharmacy tomorrow to get the rest ordered (I’ve been waiting for the credit card statement to roll over).

So step #1 will taken care of: Order meds.

Step #2 is next Monday: Mock transfer and medication training. The mock transfer is basically poking around in my uterus to measure it and decide where to place the embryos. It doesn’t sound too bad on the surface, but here’s the fun part: I have to drink 32 ounces of fluid one hour before the appointment and don’t get to go to the bathroom until AFTER the mock transfer. So they stick a catheter up there and poke around while you have a full bladder.

Oh lord, I hope I’m not the one to pee on the doctor…

Medication training is just what it sounds like: Learning about the medications. We had to schedule it for a time when D could come, since he’ll be the one administering all the shots. After all was said and done, we ended up rescheduling the appointment 3 different times. Hopefully it’s set now.

When I go in for that, I get my prescription for birth control pills.

Yes, it’s true. The protocol I’m doing (which is the most common) starts with a couple of weeks of birth control pills. This way they can shut everything down before starting it all up again. After a few weeks of those, we start the shots.

I’ll get into more of those specifics in a later post. For now I just wanted to let everyone know where we are, because people keep asking, because I apparently am super vague and uninformative when I post here.

I think at this point, I’m just really shocked that we’re here. Even after 4 1/2 years, it doesn’t feel like we could ever really be at this point. But here we are, counting down the days, really doing it. It’s so much different than IUIs – those feel like a lifetime ago. The whole thing is very surreal.

scared

October 11th, 2011 Posted in General, IVF

Oct, 11 2011

13 Comments »

The reality that I will be doing IVF hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

It’s been so easy over the years to say “I’m going to do IVF” but to actually realize it’s about to happen is another thing entirely.

I feel pathetic, overwhelming self-pity. Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I be like everyone else? They all have it so easy – why do I have to spend a fortune and take daily shots and get invasive doctor visits on a near-daily basis, when they get it all for free? All for nothing?

It’s easy to say “Yay I’m excited! IVF! We finally have a chance!”

But it’s another to face it.

I’m scared.

Lately everyone else’s IVF cycles seem to be failing.

Why would I be any different?

What if it’s all for nothing?

The future is so cloudy. I have no idea what it holds.

Right now, I’m just scared.

getting closer

September 20th, 2011 Posted in General, IVF

Sep, 20 2011

5 Comments »

Our IVF consult went well. We love our doctor. I’m pretty sure we held up the entire waiting room while he patiently answered all of our questions and went over all the dates so I could write them on my calendar, but, as D said, “oh well; it’s our time.”

We’re all up to date on all of our tests, so the next step is: Start IVF.

I set up an appointment for a mock transfer and medication teaching session, and planned to start the process around October 1.

Then I came home and looked closer at the calendar and realized that starting then would mean doing shots while shooting a wedding, and worse, put egg retrieval dangerously close to my cousin’s wedding in Austin at the end of the month.

So…we wait…one more month.

It’s ok though. We specifically decided to start in October in case something came up that pushed it back another month, so as long as nothing goes wrong, we’ll still be on schedule. Hopefully nothing else comes up. Hope hope hope.

I’ve decided to update throughout the entire process. I know that’ll make it harder on some levels, being so open, but my hope is that it will give people a greater understanding of what IVF actually is and entails. I know that a lot of people read this blog who know it all, but there are also a lot of people I know in real-life that don’t have the first clue. So I’m hoping this is educational.

And of course I’m hoping that it makes me feel a little less alone throughout the process.

set in motion

September 6th, 2011 Posted in General, IVF

Sep, 06 2011

8 Comments »

I finally got to schedule my appointments. The office was closed yesterday so I called at 7:31 this morning.The receptionist said “you already had one, do you need another one?” and then “it’s not written in your chart.” Apparently she didn’t see the “three-month follow-up cavity check” that the nurses keep seeing whenever they pull up my chart. I know it’s in there.

Sigh. If we didn’t love our doctor so much, the rest of the clinic would definitely drive us away. It’s pretty amazing. And not in a good way.

This Friday I go in for an office hysteroscopy to see if the polyp has come back. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that it has not. If I have to have a third surgery I might just lose it. Keep your fingers crossed for a polyp-free uterus.

Assuming no polyps have invaded, our pre-IVF appointment is the following Friday. That’s when we learn when we start, what all the days are, etc. It’ll be hard to wait for the appointments; I expect time to stand still this week.

Please please please no more delays. No more surgeries. I need this to be over.

decisions have been made

July 7th, 2011 Posted in IVF, Procedures

Jul, 07 2011

5 Comments »

I have not been doing so good with the posting lately. In a nutshell, I have been too busy – 6 weddings and almost 20 portrait shoots in the last 3 months, on top of a part-time job and life in general – and anything that wasn’t absolutely essential got left in the dust.

We’ve also been debating lately about what steps to take next. We’ve been throwing a few ideas around, weighing the pros and cons, and trying to find the solution that worked best for us, and for where we are in life right now.

We really want to move. We never intended to settle in Texas, and I’ve never been really happy here. For awhile, we talked about a “move-by” date – we decided to move in March. As soon as I shot my last booked wedding. This is also the reason we didn’t start IVF in May – I just felt wrong about pursuing IVF 9 months before a contracted wedding in which the bride had chosen me several years ago. So we pushed IVF from May to August. I guess this is a good thing, because it means we think it will work. But it does complicate matters. And then a friend asked me to shoot her wedding in Hawaii in May. So, we decided to push IVF back even further. End of year. But then we got my AMH results and decided that there wasn’t a huge rush – I’m not that old, and we don’t seem to be running out of time – so we thought that maybe we’d just wait until after moving (in March) to do IVF.

Then I went to my support group meeting, and everyone and their dog* (*exaggeration) was doing IVF. So I decided I couldn’t wait. Screw the weddings.

Ultimately, we reached a compromise (with ourselves, not each other, as we were pretty similar in our thoughts through this whole process): we will start IVF in October/November. Not sure exactly when, but I’ll contact the doctor in early September to find out what we need to do first and how the dates will fall. We’re definitely planning on doing this before the end of this year.

We’re excited. We can hardly wait. We’re feeling very hopeful. During a total of 6 hours in the car yesterday, we nailed down all of our names. We really think this might actually work.

Of course, it might not – but for now, I think it’s better to think about the positives than the “what-if’s.” At the very least, maybe it will finally give us some answers. Right now it’s just a matter of waiting for the months to pass.

In the meantime, we’re keeping busy. Looking forward to a visit from my best friends from college and a week-long 9-year anniversary trip to Mexico. I’m glad I have some fun things to look forward to to pass the time between now and IVF. We are so, so ready to try this.

I hope October hurries up.

a second opinion

June 29th, 2011 Posted in General, IVF

Jun, 29 2011

4 Comments »

A few months ago, we went to a seminar hosted by a nationwide infertility institute (which shall remain nameless, just in case) to hear the main guy and the local doctor talk. They pulled you in by telling you it was a 2-hour seminar with a drawing for a free IVF cycle, then held us all hostage for 4 hours, dangling that drawing in front of us. Obviously we didn’t win, but we did learn a lot of new and in-depth information, and it was worth attending.

The whole point of all that isn’t terribly relevant, but a few weeks ago we met with the local doctor that spoke. He seemed nice and I have a few friends that see him, and the institute really pushed that they give individualized treatment and really does things differently than other clinics. We wanted to hear what this doctor had to say about our situation. And the consultation only cost us $15, so we figured, what did we have to lose?

It was definitely interesting. He looked at D’s most recent SA and told us that we don’t have a “male factor” to worry about. He tested my AMH to check my ovarian reserve, and that came back normal. When I asked about the polyps, he said that polyps don’t cause infertility and the only way he would recommend removing them is right before IVF.

Based on these things, he said we fell in the 10% of infertility cases that is diagnosed by – get this – Unexplained Infertility. After 4 years and numerous issues resolved, we have no obvious problems. He recommended IVF.

So we’ve come to the end of the road when it comes to searching for answers. There are no answers to be found, apparently. The answer is IVF.

The doctor recommended we do something called Mini-IVF, which is basically IVF with minimal stimulation. Basically, you take less drugs and make less eggs. It’s a lower success rate, but a lower cost. Not a lot of clinics offer it. We considered it, but the cost would still be about $9000 instead of $13000, so we figured that if we’re spending that much, we may as well go all in. If the cost was closer to half and we could do 2 mini cycles, we might have thought more about it, but then my friend had a terrible experience with this doctor and we completely threw out the idea of ever seeing this guy again.

There seem to be no more tests, nothing more we can do. We were both hoping there could be some other answer, but we are joining the hoards of other couples who have been given no answers. IVF is our answer and we are just counting down the months until we can jump into that. More on that delay soon…

The moment you’ve all been waiting for…and some other stuff

April 1st, 2011 Posted in Hysteroscopy, Polyps, Procedures

Apr, 01 2011

8 Comments »

Ah, today. Historically I have not been at my best. Three years ago today I became an aunt, and I was devastated. Nine months ago we did an IUI and the charting software told me that if it worked, my due date would be April 1. I decided that it was either Fate, or the Universe was playing a cruel joke on me.

April Fools Day can suck it.

Last month was our first month to “try on our own” after surgery. The charting software told me: “If you conceived this cycle, your due date would be: December 10, 2011.”

My birthday.

I would be lying to all of you if I told you I hadn’t gotten my hopes up. What a stupid, stupid thing, right? Conceiving naturally after 4 years? Of course, everyone knows someone whose aunt’s friend’s daughter-in-law’s boyfriend’s grandmother’s church buddy’s son’s best friend’s estranged wife etc. got pregnant miraculously after 18 years; but in reality, the odds are pretty slim.

Of course, today those hopes were crushed. Today of all days.

But of course, it really doesn’t matter. A long time ago I gave up the idea of Fate, or Signs, or Whatever.

For years I told myself: “Before Baby (fill in the blank) is born, I will have one on the way.” Or: “By the time Baby (fill in the blank) is (fill in the blank with years: 1, 2, 3), I will have my own, or at least be expecting one.”

What a silly game that was.

So in honor of today, and in the spirit of moving forward and saying “Whatever,” I give you these: The Long Awaited, Ever-So-Exciting, Much Asked About, Pictures of my Uterus! With my Polyp friend, of course.

Just a warning: the photos are kind of gross. So if you don’t want to see them, you should probably just move along and come back another day. But I’ve had so many requests and so much interest that I almost feel like I have to share them.

So here they are.

This is the “before” picture: where you can see the polyp:

2011Polyp1

The doctor drew in that black line to give it more definition for my benefit (I’m sure I looked confused and uncertain).

And for comparison, here is last year’s polyp:

2010Polyp1

Ew. Right? Ew.

The polyp is on my left side. This is what my right side looked like:

2011Polyp2

See that hole? That’s where my fallopian tube is. True story.

Now see this other view of the left side?

2011Polyp4

See how you can’t see any tube opening? Yeah. That is a problem. The doctor thinks the polyp was most likely blocking my tube. And for anyone who isn’t totally sure how all this works: eggs come out and sperms go up the tubes. They’re pretty crucial. So having one blocked is a serious problem.

One more view:

2011Polyp5

And here’s where it gets really awesome. Here’s the “Mid-surgery” photo: the instrument up my business taking out my abnormal growth. Hot, right?

2011Polyp6

Ew.

And this just might be the most disgusting picture of all of them. Here is the polyp, after it was removed. Yeah; that’s the polyp sitting on the operating table, or wherever. I’m not sure what that is in the background and I try not to think of it too much.

2011Polyp8

Ew ew ew.

To give you a frame of reference, the doctor said it was about the size of his pinkie. A uterus is about the size of a fist. “Pinkie-sized” honestly doesn’t sound all that big to me, but he kept saying, “It was really large; about the size of my pinkie,” so I guess that’s not too normal.

The really disturbing part is that this polyp wasn’t nearly as big as the first one.

And lastly, here’s a photo of the “after.” I can’t remember what the bubbles are, but this is what my uterus looked like immediately after the polyp was removed:

2011Polyp15

My doctor seemed most concerned about the fact that the polyp was blocking my left tube, along with the fact that it was so large.

I had the same surgery 13 months prior to this one. I think it grew back right away; within 6 months, at least. Which means we did all or all-but-one IUI with a polyp in there. It showed up on a saline sonogram as a “thickened area” of my lining. But it was there. I know it was. I’m pissed on one hand that it’s been missed so many times, but relieved on the other that it is now on the radar and the doctor will take me seriously when I express concern. We’ll be getting it checked out in May or June to make sure it hasn’t returned. We will not pursue any treatment without making absolutely sure that it is not there.

Next week we are getting D’s swimmers tested. The last time we knew how they were was December (for our Most Pointless IUI Yet). Since then, D has been going to weekly acupuncture sessions and making lifestyle and dietary changes. I am holding my breath and hoping that there has been some improvement since then. If not, it has been a tremendous waste of money.

It would be really nice to get some good news. Today, I am discouraged. I’m flat-out terrified that there will be no improvement. In fact, I’m scared that they have somehow gotten worse.

But I hope I’m wrong. I hope we get some good news. It would be nice to have some good news. Nice to have some hope.

the balloon

February 23rd, 2011 Posted in Procedures

Feb, 23 2011

19 Comments »

Before I go any further, a disclaimer:

If you are reading this, and you are a guy, and you know me in real life, please stop. Don’t read any further. Just skip onto the next post, or come back tomorrow, or whatever. I know I talk about a lot of personal stuff here, but this one just icks me out, so please just skip it. I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks!

So. When I went in for my pre-op appointment, I was less-than-thrilled to hear there was a 40% chance I’d come out of surgery with a balloon in my uterus. That would have to be in there for 5 days. That I would have to remove myself.

I remember looking at the doctor with a horrified “WTF?” look on my face. I was a little less scandalized when he told me that there would be an easy-to-find string/tube that would just have to be cut and then pulled. Over and done. Easy peasy.

Except that it wasn’t. I couldn’t find the damn thing. And I wasn’t going to go on a mining expedition.

The office was apparently closed yesterday for the not-real “holiday” president’s day (seriously, who closes for that except for the banks and post offices???). So I finally got through this morning…and left a message. Two and a half hours later, I got a call – from the doctor himself. Who sounded shocked that I hadn’t found the balloon string/tube. And he said:

“I’m worried that the nurse got confused and removed the balloon.”

The balloon, if you remember, was placed in there to prevent my uterine walls from growing together after surgery. If that happened, there would be no way to fix it. And I would be barren/sterile/infertile. FOREVER.

So I freaked out.

I was at my part-time job, which doesn’t afford much privacy. So I cried in the bathroom for awhile, panicking that it was “over:” that this was the end, that I would never be pregnant, that my uterus was closed for business, FOREVER. And then I pulled it together and worked for a few hours and drove myself to the doctor’s office.

We waited 30 minutes in the Waiting Room of Silence. Nervous. Worried. Anxious. And then the doctor brought us back to a room. And said “Oh, it’s fine, even if they did take the balloon out, there’s a really low chance of your uterus growing together” at which point I internally sighed and thought “oh thank god, there’s like a 2% chance” and then he continued, “It’s only like 10%.”

TEN PERCENT?? That’s not nothing!

But I laid down on that all-too-familiar table with my feet in those so-well-known stirrups and he poked around and said:

“OH! There it is!”

It was “waybackinthere” and it was “beingornery” and took several instruments and the nurse leaving the room to get something else and at least 5 longhorriblepaindful minutes and a crapload of discomfort.

And then the doctor accidentally pinched me somehow, at which point I jumped, and, according to D,even the nurse flinched, and the doctor said “oh I am SO SORRY!!!” And then there was a WHOOSH, and a lot of ickiness came out, and he was cleaning me up, and asking the nurse for more stuff to help the process, and I was dying inside, because it was so gross, and uncomfortable, and icky, and embarrassing, and I acutely felt the whole horrible thing, and it felt awful, and I wanted to be anywhere else, even the dentist’s office, which I hate, but there I was, putting my hands over my face and willing it to be over…

But being SO HAPPY that the balloon was there! Because it meant that my uterus wasn’t going to grow into one useless mass. Because it meant that there’s still a chance. Because it meant that *maybe* I can still have babies one day.

And then we went out to celebrate. At 2pm on a Tuesday.

Because you celebrate when and what you can. And sometimes life is good.

The Eternal Guest Room

Infertility kinda sucks.