The Eternal Guest Room

This is my first time to participate and I’ve been looking forward to it! Here’s a quick rundown of our history.

We’ve been married for nearly 8 years, and  TTC for a little over 3 years with a diagnosis of MFI. We thought our problems were solved with varicocele repair surgery only to find out over a year (and a wasted IUI) later that I had a huge polyp. We kicked off 2010 with a hysteroscopy to get that removed, then we were put on a 3 month probation waiting period. We’re currently in the 2ww after our long-awaited IUI and are not feeling particularly hopeful.

Thanks for stopping by – it helps so much to know we’re not alone in this.

These days are passing slowly. For some reason I’m not feeling very hopeful, just discouraged. I don’t really know why.

I guess, at this point, it’s just hard to ever really see it happening. In the beginning I could picture us with a couple of kids, hanging out as a family. Over time the images were only of one young kid, not any older than 2 or 3. Then I could only picture us with a very small baby. Eventually I could only picture myself pregnant, nothing beyond that. But now I can barely even imagine that. It all seems so improbable.

People say “yeah, but look at what’s happened over the years, you’ve gotten over all the obstacles and now you finally have a real chance,” but that doesn’t make the last 3 years seem any less real or painful.

The truth is that lots of people go through a ton of stuff – surgeries, medications, procedures, a bunch of stuff that is supposed to absolutely work – and then end up with “unexplained infertility” and no baby in the end. And that could very well be what happens to us. It’s just a realistic outcome that we have to keep in mind.

And maybe I’m just protecting myself, preparing myself for disappointment. Because hoping is one thing, but believing is something else, and finding out that something you’d believed in isn’t real is pretty upsetting.

(Psssst… it’s me.  Darek.  Remember me?  Hi!)  It’s true.  I’ve been eating tons of vegetables daily.  If you look slightly to your right, you’ll see a photo of myself gathering my daily vegetables.  It’s  tough, but it’s worth it just to be healthier.  In fact, I’ve lost around 10 pounds since Christmas (granted, I gained 10 pounds Christmas day).

I’ve also given up alcoholism (which I’m kind of bitter about ’cause there’s plenty of alcoholics who have kids).

Another part of my healthier me journey, has been acupuncture.  I basically pay a guy each week to put needles in me and tell me if the qi in my meridians are in balance or not.  There’s a computer involved, so I’m pretty sure it’s legit.  It’s easy to make fun of Eastern medicine and philosophies (because the West is currently a utopian society), but we’ve read a few accounts of people with unexplained infertility getting pregnant after acupuncture.

So hopefully the veggies, vitamins, and needles will pay off and one of the upcoming IUIs will work, ’cause I really can’t wait to go back to being an alcoholic.

Today is one of those days where this is all-consuming. Most days I can push it to the back of my mind, but today it’s in the forefront and everything else is shuffling around behind it.

It’s been a rough week. And the days are dragging because it’s our last week before starting the IUI process. I’m acutely aware of the passing of time this week. It’s been way too long.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing anything except watching the time go by.

It’s also been a busy week. I’m afraid if I stop doing things, it won’t be pretty. So I try to keep going.

Tonight’s activities include a counseling session and my first support group meeting. Not that either of those will take my mind off things, but at least it’ll be moving in the right direction.

I can’t believe it’s already time for easter. I feel so sad.

this week.

will not.

end.